Things I May or May Not Have Said to Myself While Riding My Bike in the City

Whoa!

Hey…Cu-u-u-te.....Whoa!

Perhaps I could become a superhero on this bike. Because apparently, I'm invisible right now.

I wonder if I could have saved the money I spent on this tear-drop-shaped top-of-my-head multi-colored latticed bike helmet by making my own instead, using, say, an old mixing bowl, a leather belt, and some wadded up TV Guides. The result would be more stylish, that's for sure.

(Breathing hard)…Okay, I now…(breathing hard)…hate dogs…(breathing hard)…even more than those nasty worms…(breathing hard)…that sometimes…(breathing hard)…come out of dogs.

I wonder if the REI bike repair shop has a designated spokesperson.

They say you never forget how to ride a bike, but every once in a while I do.

Maybe I should try a little Tri-Flow on my knees.

I wonder if I could make a bullet-proof belt out of one of these Kevlar tires.

Note to self: E-mail bike manufacturer suggesting they add the following line to their pre-ride safety check instructions: Never ride your bike while drowsy from performing the recommended pre-ride safety check.

27 gears and nothing on.

The closest I’ll ever get to extreme is ex.

I understand that you’re in a Camaro and I’m on a bike, but doesn’t that just mean that it is I who should be throwing half-eaten fruit at you?

Conveyancist!

Owww!

Scary Movies for Weak Stomachs*

The Texas Chainsaw Altercation

Seven Sins Not Listed as Deadly, But Still Pretty Bad

Pleasantries with the Vampire

The Really, Really Strong Longstanding Disagreement

The Kind of Dream Where You’re Unprepared for Your Final Exam or Something Like That on Elm Street

Theater of Saliva

The Blair Witch Proposal (First Draft)

The Fall of the Guest House of Usher

The Mummy Was Going to Return, But Something Came Up

The Telltale Appendix

The Attack of the Unusually Tall Woman

Wait a Moment, Then You Can Look

Predator vs. Bluto

Michael Myers’ Day Off

The Heartless (Figuratively Speaking, That Is) Horseman

Dressed to Wound

The Wolf-like Man

Harry Potter and the Order of Sashimi

Baby Mad Scientists


*Note: A similarly-themed list, "Not Very Scary Movies" (not by Listmore), appears at www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists.

Mistakes Clark Kent Has Made While Looking for Work

Accurately reported his top typing speed

Wrote his S's kind of funny on a job application

While being interviewed, failed to control a superfart and rose two inches off his chair.

Mesmerized by some nose hairs jutting out of an interviewer’s left nostril, inadvertently set them on fire with his heat vision

Used Martian Manhunter as a reference

Showed up a day early for an interview because he forgot that earlier in the week he had reversed the Earth’s rotation

Complimented an interviewer on her diamond pendant, then boasted he once made a similar one from a piece of coal

Inflated his resume by claiming he came from Bigville

When asked about his career goals said he wanted to become the Man of Tungsten.

Came directly from a rescue with a piece of his red Cape peeking out above his shirt collar. When questioned, he claimed he had cut himself shaving.

Was running late for an employment interview and tried to make up lost time using superspeed.  Was blurry, but not invisible like The Flash 

 

Ideas for New Book Topics, Along with Possible Titles (Taking a Lead from the Topics of Henry Petroski's Books*)

Topic: Pushpins
Title: Taking Another Tack: The Pull of Pushpins

Topic: Swizzle Sticks
Title: Swizzle: A Generation Stuck on Sticks

Topic: Fasteners
Title: Cleopatra’s Hasp and Other Famous Fasteners

Topic: Bristles
Title: Brush with Destiny: A History of Bristles

Topic: Eyelets
Title: Aye for Eyelets: A Book About Nothing

Topic: Grommets
Title: The Hole Truth: The Origin, Evolution, and Future of Grommets

Topic: Lugnuts
Title: Lugnuts and the Lugs and Nuts Who've Loved Them

Topic: Bottle Stoppers
Title: There’s No Stopping Stoppers

Topic: Slats
Ttile: Slats Life: The Lure and Lore of Louvers

Topic: Lanyards
Title: The Spaniard and the Lanyard: Lanyards in the Cultural History of Spain

Topic: Hairpins
Title: The Hairpin’s Turn

Topic: Valve Stems
Title: Ruling the Air: The Story of Valve Stems


*Most notably: The Toothpick: Technology and Culture (2007) and The Pencil: A History of Design and Circumstance (1990)

From the Conversations of Birds on a Wire

See that guy getting out of the pickup truck over there? He is a lineman for the county. You can tell by the rhinestones.

Then he says, “I meant to do that.“ Ha! What a manbrain!

Human offspring play this game with balloons they fill with water, but I can’t see how that doesn’t take all the fun out of it.

You really expect me to believe that what you have there is a forty-year-old chunk of Tippi Hedren’s left earlobe?

I think he's flown into one too many windows. Yesterday I saw him talking to a pair of tennis shoes.

I always end up back in Capistrano, even though I swear every time I leave I‘ll never come back. But I always do come back, though I don’t know why. It‘s like I‘m caught up in forces beyond my control. Maybe I’m trapped in some kind of cycle, like Bill Murray’s character in that movie we watched through the old woman’s open window down in Goya. Maybe there’s some lesson I have to learn before I can break free of Capistrano. But … bird! … I can’t for the life of me think of what it might be.

I don’t condone violence of any sort, mind you, but that mockingbird had it coming.

Sometimes I feel sorry for Sylvester. Am I a bad bird?

I just flew in from Chicago yesterday; I got pluck-searched going through security.

Curse you, early bird!

She could have told me she just wasn't interested. I could accept that. But no, she comes up with this lame excuse about having to migrate.