Note: Any similarities between these books and books in the real world are beyond coincidental.
Synopsis: A historical fantasy about a brilliant novelist who, disillusioned by the lack of public recognition of his talents, retires from the writing life to run a poultry farm in the French countryside. Two years later, a former literary rival, still bearing an old grudge, absconds one dark night with several of the author’s prize-winning chickens. After several days of captivity in the back of a beat-up Volkswagen minibus, the chickens effect a daring escape, and begin an arduous, danger-filled 900-mile trek back to the only home they have ever known, and the master they adore.
Title: The Chickens Come Home to Proust
Synopsis: Intergalactic man-eating aliens the Kanamits return to earth after a 40-year absence and eat all the inhabitants of Chicago except, owing to their respect for the arts, Chicago’s brightest literary light. Alas, the Kanamits well-documented love for bad puns eventually overcomes their literary taste---a tragic turn of events that leads to the famous author’s demise.
Title: There’s Always Room for Bellow
Synopsis: A family of modern-day trapeze artists, who have gained notoriety by reciting from The Canterbury Tales while performing high-flying acts of daring, suffers a series of unfortunate performance-related accidents.
Title: Earth vs. The Flying Chaucers
Synopsis: A biography of sixteenth-century French philosopher and essayist Francis Bacon, with a decidedly anti-Bacon slant.
Title: The Bad Side of Bacon
Synopsis: A cold-war tale about an Iowa farm boy who hides his love of Russian literature from his xenophobic father by pasting false covers on all his books.
Title: The Chekhov is in the Mailer
Synopsis: Focuses on a little-known period in Mark Twain’s life during which he made his living as a maitre’d in St. Louis’ trendiest bistro. Fired for regularly getting patrons to do his work for him by convincing them it was “fun,” a fistfight ensues in the kitchen between Twain and the owner of the eatery, during which the owner falls into a rack of skewers, suffering a number of fatal wounds. Twain is banned from the hospitality industry for life. A period of depression ensues.
Title: Never the Twain Shall Seat
Synopsis: An autobiography by J. R. R. Tolkien.
Title: I’m Tolkien to You
Synopsis: A highly unflattering biographical portrait of Truman Capote.
Title: Capote Ugly
Synopsis: Amusing story of a man who, over 10 years time (1895-1905), tried to pass himself off as Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw, with absolutely no success.
Title: George Bernard? Pshaw!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
From the Auditions of a Goose Who Never Made It as an Actor
From the Auditions of a Goose Who Never Made it as An Actor
by R.D. Ronstad
For the role of …
James Bond: HONK-Honk, Honk Honk
Mr. Miyagi: Honk HONK, HONK Honk
Mary Poppins: HONK Honk-Honk-Honk HONK Honk-Honk-Honk Honk HONK Honk-Honk
The Lone Ranger: Honk Honk HONK-Honk, Honk-HONNNNK!
Kato, Inspector Clouseau's houseboy: HOOONNNNNNNNNNK!!!
Taxi #1 in Taxi Driver: Honk Honk*
The Terminator: Honk Honk-HONK
Goose #3 (Fly Away Home): HONK…HONK…HONK…HONK…HONK…HONK...HONK…HONK…HONK…Honk…Ho...*
Replacement for Roger Ebert on At the Movies:
A bystander spotting Superman: Honk-Honk HONK, Honk-Honk HONK, Honk HONK Honk-Honk!
A member of the Wehrmacht (no dialogue):
Goose-step, goose-step, goose-step, goose-step, goose-step, etc.**
An extra in a crowd at a basketball game singing along with Gary Glitter‘s “Rock & Roll - Part II (The Hey Song)”:
...............HONK!..........
...............HONK!..........
...............HONK!..........
Jimmy Dugan (manager of the Rockford Peaches of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League): HONK Honk Honk-Honk-Honk-Honk HONK!
*Couldn't capture the animus of a New York taxi
**Hired for the part, but showed up drunk the first day of shooting and was immediately released
***Very nervous that day and stumbled repeatedly
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Track List for an Album Titled The Moody Guitar
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
While My Guitar Whines Endlessly (Wah Wah Wah)
While My Guitar Throws a Twangy Fit
While My Guitar Gazes Uncomprehendingly into the Mirror and Picks at Itself
While My Guitar Sits Alone in a Corner Looking Fretful
While My Guitar Refuses to Come Out of Its Case
While My Guitar Cries into Its Beer Down at The Whammy Bar
While My Guitar Tries to Strangle Itself With a Popped G String
While My Guitar Goes All Staccato on a Roomful of Other Guitars Down at the Music Emporium
While My Guitar Shuts Itself Up in Its Room and Hammers Away Feverishly on the Final Chapters of a Novel Called The Strummer of My Discontent
While My Guitar Whines Endlessly (Wah Wah Wah)
While My Guitar Throws a Twangy Fit
While My Guitar Gazes Uncomprehendingly into the Mirror and Picks at Itself
While My Guitar Sits Alone in a Corner Looking Fretful
While My Guitar Refuses to Come Out of Its Case
While My Guitar Cries into Its Beer Down at The Whammy Bar
While My Guitar Tries to Strangle Itself With a Popped G String
While My Guitar Goes All Staccato on a Roomful of Other Guitars Down at the Music Emporium
While My Guitar Shuts Itself Up in Its Room and Hammers Away Feverishly on the Final Chapters of a Novel Called The Strummer of My Discontent
Monday, October 6, 2008
I Answer Some Questions Posed by Popular Song Titles
Q: What’s new pussycat?
A: Well, for one thing, that’s the first time anyone’s ever called me pussycat.
Q: Do you know the way to San Jose?
A: Of course. First, you shave Jose’s head. Then, you grab a good-sized piece of emery paper and, beginning at the top of the front of Jose’s skull you . . . What’s that? . . . Oh, San Jose . . . Sorry.
Q: How can you mend a broken heart?
A: I don’t know, but I do know some people who have had their hearts broken, like, 27 times. So it’s a fairly simple procedure, I would guess.
Q: Who let the dogs out?
A: I don’t know, but I hope those dogs are big, and mean, and know where you live.
Q: Who are you?
A: Nobody special, really, but . . . you see that guy over there? He is The Eggman. And the scuttlebutt around the office is, he’s on a fast track to becoming The Walrus.
Q: Are you lonesome tonight?
A: Well . . . I am thinking up stupid answers to song questions.
Q: Why do fools fall in love?
A: Because if they didn’t we’d eventually run out of fools.
Q: Who can it be now?
A: Well, theoretically, it can be just about anybody. But it’s probably just Mr. Wilson here to complain about some of Dennis’s shenanigans again.
Q: When will I be loved?
A: Maybe when you stop whining.
Q: What kind of fool am I?
A: I know of only two kinds of fools: the kind that wears a floppy, multi-colored hat with bells and keeps a king amused, or the kind that is just a silly or stupid person. Since I don’t hear you jingling and there aren‘t many kings around here, I’m guessing you’re the second kind.
Q: Where have all the flowers gone?
A: Yeah, definitely the second kind.
Q: Do you wanna dance?
A: Well, I guess that would be all right. Just don’t call me pussycat. OK?
Q: Who do you think you are?
A: Nobody special, really, but . . . see those guys over there? They are the champions, my friend.
Q: Is you is or is you ain’t my baby?
A: You know, I really do don’t like you.
Q: Ain’t that just like a woman?
A: Actually, that is a woman.
Q: Who put the bomp (in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp)?
A: Probably some guy who had just taken a nasty tumble down some stairs.
Q: Mr. Bigstuff, who do u think u are?
A: Mr. Bigstuff.
A: Well, for one thing, that’s the first time anyone’s ever called me pussycat.
Q: Do you know the way to San Jose?
A: Of course. First, you shave Jose’s head. Then, you grab a good-sized piece of emery paper and, beginning at the top of the front of Jose’s skull you . . . What’s that? . . . Oh, San Jose . . . Sorry.
Q: How can you mend a broken heart?
A: I don’t know, but I do know some people who have had their hearts broken, like, 27 times. So it’s a fairly simple procedure, I would guess.
Q: Who let the dogs out?
A: I don’t know, but I hope those dogs are big, and mean, and know where you live.
Q: Who are you?
A: Nobody special, really, but . . . you see that guy over there? He is The Eggman. And the scuttlebutt around the office is, he’s on a fast track to becoming The Walrus.
Q: Are you lonesome tonight?
A: Well . . . I am thinking up stupid answers to song questions.
Q: Why do fools fall in love?
A: Because if they didn’t we’d eventually run out of fools.
Q: Who can it be now?
A: Well, theoretically, it can be just about anybody. But it’s probably just Mr. Wilson here to complain about some of Dennis’s shenanigans again.
Q: When will I be loved?
A: Maybe when you stop whining.
Q: What kind of fool am I?
A: I know of only two kinds of fools: the kind that wears a floppy, multi-colored hat with bells and keeps a king amused, or the kind that is just a silly or stupid person. Since I don’t hear you jingling and there aren‘t many kings around here, I’m guessing you’re the second kind.
Q: Where have all the flowers gone?
A: Yeah, definitely the second kind.
Q: Do you wanna dance?
A: Well, I guess that would be all right. Just don’t call me pussycat. OK?
Q: Who do you think you are?
A: Nobody special, really, but . . . see those guys over there? They are the champions, my friend.
Q: Is you is or is you ain’t my baby?
A: You know, I really do don’t like you.
Q: Ain’t that just like a woman?
A: Actually, that is a woman.
Q: Who put the bomp (in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp)?
A: Probably some guy who had just taken a nasty tumble down some stairs.
Q: Mr. Bigstuff, who do u think u are?
A: Mr. Bigstuff.
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