Difficulties That Arose After My Time Machine Broke Down While I Was Visiting an Earlier Version of Myself, Forcing Me to Move in with Myself

I grew weary of hearing me go on and on about how much more difficult things were when I was my age.

Whenever I drove on the expressway with me as a passenger, I felt conflicted about using the carpool lane.

After a dispute over rental payments, younger me caught older me stealing money from younger me's dresser drawer. Younger me reported the theft to the police. They said auto larceny was definitely on the books, but they could find nothing about autolarceny. (Besides they said, the statue of limitations had expired before the theft was committed.

Whenever I rented a movie, I'd always reveal the ending to me.

I had a hard time being civil to certain of my “friends.” (I wanted to warn me about them, but I knew that would go nowhere.)

While I could always sit in my favorite chair, I could never sit in my favorite chair.

I couldn't have a conversation with me without referring to myself in the third person. I hated that.

The younger me was the only one who ever got phone calls or invitations. I hated that to. I couldn't help being jealous of me.

I suffered bouts of déjà vu reflux.

Whenever my two selves discussed events from both of our pasts, we'd get in heated arguments about what actually happened.

Some Things That Make Me Suspect I May Be Out of Step

If 50 million Frenchman told me to jump off s bridge, I might do it.

I don’t know the back of my hand all that well.

I’m never one of the two kinds of people in the world. Ever. I try not to think about it.

I never got that Trini Lopez song. Who the hell doesn't have a hammer? 

I'd rather have two birds in the bush.

If someone gives me an inch, I try to take three or four inches max.

I don't get "no news is good news." I mean, could you really say, "I have no news, and I have bad news."

Once while the cat was away, I spent the whole time doing yard work and reading Kierkegaard.

I would join a club that would have me as a member if it had a side door I could slip out of when I saw me coming.