Discovered in the Small Print of Ads for Psychic Advisors

FREE grain of salt with every reading. Miss E__ cannot be held responsible for any lack of gullibility on your part. If our perceptions of you do not match what you know to be true of yourself, you must consider the possibility that you are an impostor. Just remember that Mr. N__ doesn't claim to be a Nostradamus. But then, even Nostradamus was no Nostradamus, right? We make no claim that palm reading is a science. But it is scientificish. If you are in the habit of reading the small print (like this) in advertisements, you are probably not a suitable candidate for our services. We will only give you information about yourself and those you come in contact with that we believe is completely true, or at least could be. Madame S__ always proves to be correct in the long run—she’s kind of like an economist that way. The endorsements cited above have been channeled. Mr. A__ is sensitive about his weight, so keep in mind that referring to him as a medium large may adversely affect the results of your reading.

Suggestions for Some New Words Beginning with Q Not Followed by U

Qcumber To write a sentence with more than two 

Qs in it, or a paragraph with more than 5

Qexfoliate To disencumber a sentence that has more than two or a paragraph that has more than five

Qneiform Alternate spelling of cuneiform

Qball The 17th ball of the season 

Qpickle What double-O agents into when they misuse one of Q’s gadgets 

Q and Q A series of hypothetical questions 

Qstring The little line that tuns an O into a Q, called such because it calls to mind a string holding a balloon 

Qet A duet sung by Desmond Llewllyn (James Bond) and John de Lancie (Star Trek)

Qooky Doubly kooky 

Qooey The brother Huey, Dewey, and Louie never talk about

Qkoo Said of someone who is abnormally fixated on the letter Q

Qbit What this is

Spice Up Your Halloween Menu with These

Ascaragus

Voice from the gravy

Spell peppers

Roast yuck

Samhanwiches

Raven split

Vultured ribs

Guanola bars

Ice squeam

Memento moray

Quiche Lorraine with real Lorraine

Ghoul whip

Chainsawsage

Unholy mackerel

Apple spider

Haunted grouse

Coven baked pizza

Brain muffins

Chicken with mold sauce

Zompeas

Seriously twisted bread

Ways to Celebrate Touchdowns That Haven't Been Tried Yet, As Far as I Know

Have the entire offense line up in the end zone on one side of the quarterback and then proceed past him one by one as he dispenses imaginary diplomas.

 

Kneel facing a teammate and have him dub you “Sir Touch of Down.” 

Good boy!

Conga line!

Take a selfie!

Muscle bound

Clean and jerk

Beetlejuice Day-O!

Medal ceremony

Have your teammates huddle up behind your back, then toss the football over your shoulder so they can scramble to catch the “bouquet.” 

 Give the high sign to the cheerleaders, signaling them to hold up the printed cards you gave them before game time that spell out: MISSED ME, MISSED ME, NOW YA GOTTA KISS ME! 

 Curtsy.

The Freddie!

Get on the bus.