Reasons to Not Refer to Yourself in the Third Person

Note: Let's just say your name is John Smith.

Your third person might begin referring to himself in the fifth person, and then we could all be in trouble.

If you talk to yourself, you may not be able to get a word in edgewise.

It would be extremely difficult to find monogrammed towels reading: John Smith's and Hers.

It may come to pass that one day you will find yourself on the tip of your tongue.

You may frequently find yourself lagging behind when reciting The Pledge of Allegiance.

You will probably not garner much sympathy by saying: "John Smith has a splitting headache."

It could put a serious crimp in any plans you may have to become a lyricist. Consider the following:

John Smith is the eggman, they are the eggmen, John Smith is the

walrus, goo goo g'joob...

It's John Smith's party, and John Smith will cry if John Smith wants to,

cry if John Smith wants to...

John Smith doesn't know why John Smith loves you like John Smith

does...

It just doesn't work!

When you go for a job interview, at some point during the process the interviewer may begin thinking to himself: "Hmmm ... this John Smith guy sounds fantastic. I wonder how I can get his phone number."

If you work for a financially-strapped corporation looking to eliminate redundant workers, you might go to the top of the list.

Constantly neglecting the proper use of I could at some point adversely affect your ability to correctly use eye, aye, and possibly even aaiiiiieeeeeee!.

Saying "John Smith does" would probably not be an auspicious way to kick off a marriage.

You might make am jealous of is.

My Feeble Attempt to Invent Some Words that Rhyme with Orange

doorange any reddish-yellow paint applied to a door 

forange foraging for oranges 

florange 1. any orange-colored flower 2. an orange that costs a florin 

gorange the orange that stole Christmas 

ignorange the condition of having the intelligence of an orange 

sorange to slice an orange with fear and trembling 

storange a rental space where you keep your extra oranges 

yourange your half of the orange

porrange porridge sprinkled with orange bits

quorange a quorum of Sunkist growers

Shocking Revelations About "The Most Interesting Man in the World"

He kind of enjoys watching paint dry.

He can't get enough of passive verbs.

Brick walls have a saying: "It's like talking to that Dos Equis guy."

In the game "Six Degrees of The Most Interesting Man in the World," all the "MIMIW numbers" are square numbers.

He doesn't go to many movies, but when he does, he prefers Alan Smithee films.

That tatoo his mother has that says "Son"? It's to remind her of who he is when he's sitting across the table from her.

Mimes tell each other tiresome cheap jokes about him.

He served as the inspiration for the title character in the movie The Puffy Chair.

When he has a bright idea, a glow stick appears above his head.

He needs to wear special glasses to see things in 2D.

He would like Rice Krispies more if they just snapped.

He makes a better window than a door.

Sometimes on long trips his luggage loses him.

The Darks Ages were actually pretty happenin' until he time-travelled there in a 1970 AMC Gremlin.

Himself is always beating him up.

At his high school reunion, which he didn't attend, everyone told him: "You haven't changed a bit."

His nickname in the military was "Manikan Skywalker."

He put the "super" in "superfluous."

Scientists think he could visit Jupiter and not gain any weight.

He rides elevators just to hear the music.

He is being stalked by someone who calls herself "The Blue Fairy."

He doesn't often drink ale, but when he does, he prefers ginger ale.

Warning Labels for Humans

Politicians: Do not overinflate 

Larry King: Objects on screen may not be as

close as they appear 

News anchors: Use only matching batteries.

One baseball manager + four baseball umpires: Flammable

Boy band members: Do not remove this tag under penalty of law 

Joe Rogan: Do not exceed recommended dosage 

Golf , bowling announcers: May cause drowsiness

 

Jacksonville Jaguars: May cause nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite

Politicians 2: Discard after sell by date 

RIAAAQ (Rarely If at All Asked Questions)

Is there something about pin heads that makes angels want to dance on them?

What do you get if you cross the road with the chicken?

What came first, the chicken or the hero?

Hey, who’s that next to Waldo?…Kilroy?

Who edited The Book of Love?

Who would win a fight between Clark Kent and Jimmy Olsen?

Who says woodchucks can’t chuck wood?

How many ears must one man have, before he can make sweet corn pie?

Do bees wonder how we can fly?

Shouldn’t we call it Daylight Balancing Time?

How many light bulbs does it take to change a philosopher’s mind?

If a shot arrow travels half the distance to its target, then travels half the remaining distance, then again half the remaining distance, and so on repeatedly, can it ever reach its target? Or is your DVD player going to freeze up before then?

Questions a President Should Ask Himself Before Pardoning a Turkey

Have any turkeys pardoned in the past been truly reformed?

Have turkeys ever made a contribution to society? Have they ever participated in a drug bust, for example? Saved someone freezing to death in the Alps? Delivered vital messages to Allied troops in wartime? Been pulled from a top hat?

In the future, will other animals demand similar treatment? Could I end up having to publicly pardon an anchovy next year?

Sure I might upset the turkey population by denying clemency, but isn't it good to ruffle a few million feathers now and then?

Has a turkey ever pardoned a weevil?

Could I be upsetting the world’s dead turkey-cranberry sauce balance?

Wouldn't the turkey actually be better off dead? Once the execution takes place, it's all be gravy.

Snoods, caruncles, wattles--who needs them?

My Answers to Some Questions Posed on Answers.com

Why are sodium and potassium not recommended as liming materials?

Bad liming.

Is there live on Mars?

Not since 1979, when a canceled performance by the massively popular Martian heavy rust group Syrtis Major sparked three days of rioting that left Meridian Bay a shambles.

Where can you found a remote control?

You might try Tibet, but I think you’re too late.

What are the mountains in turkey called?

Parasites.

Write a sentence with the word culminate?

My name is Nathaniel, but you can culminate.

What does a speeding ticket cost for 61 in a 45?

Speeding tickets are generally free of charge.

What is Ulysses S. Grant most famous for?

Two things: helping to save the Union and getting buried.

Where do skunks originally come from?

Skunkytown.

What is the opposite word of weight?

It varies. In your question, for example, it would be “of.”

Are mice stupid?

Well, they seem to get along quite well without Answers.com.

How can a president allow a bill to become a law?

Sadly, somebody has to.

There are four scoops of ice cream on one cone they are four different flavors how many ways can they be placed on the cone?

No one has ever been able to find out before they melted.

What do you call a vampire wolf hybrid?

Generally, they drive the same cars as the rest of us, but I’m guessing they’re partial to VWs.

Your heater in your truck is blowing out cold air only the car gauge shows the truck is hot?

Hey! Stay away from my truck!

What is the most venomous or poisonous animal?

Talk show host.

Where do you put the knife when done using it?

You’re not a jealous husband, are you?

How do you switch dragons?

Forget about it. Even if you found a switch big enough, you’d need superhuman strength to wield it.

Where was the nickel discovered?

In the dryer when I emptied it.

Can you substitue bordeaux wine for burgundy wine in cooking?

Yes, but the food will probably misbehave.

Houses in sydney australia?

Yes.

Did muhammad ali go to college?

No, but he took a lot of other people to school.

Do you need to dye your roots before getting highlights?

It depends on how soon you need to get to bed after Sportscenter is over.

In Pirates of Caribbean what two things are bad luck for sailors?

Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

How do you say im not very good in french?

Put an apostrophe between the "i" and "m" and you’re good to go.

What type of music do vikings listen too?

Not sure, but I know they love The Pillage People.