Is there something about pin heads that makes angels want to dance on them?
What do you get if you cross the road with the chicken?
What came first, the chicken or the hero?
Hey, who’s that next to Waldo?…Kilroy?
Who edited The Book of Love?
Who would win a fight between Clark Kent and Jimmy Olsen?
Who says woodchucks can’t chuck wood?
How many ears must one man have, before he can make sweet corn pie?
Do bees wonder how we can fly?
Shouldn’t we call it Daylight Balancing Time?
How many light bulbs does it take to change a philosopher’s mind?
If a shot arrow travels half the distance to its target, then travels half the remaining distance, then again half the remaining distance, and so on repeatedly, can it ever reach its target? Or is your DVD player going to freeze up before then?
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Questions a President Should Ask Himself Before Pardoning a Turkey
Have any turkeys pardoned in the past been truly reformed?
Have turkeys ever made a contribution to society? Have they ever participated in a drug bust, for example? Saved someone freezing to death in the Alps? Delivered vital messages to Allied troops in wartime? Been pulled from a top hat?
In the future, will other animals demand similar treatment? Could I end up having to publicly pardon an anchovy next year?
Sure I might upset the turkey population by denying clemency, but isn't it good to ruffle a few million feathers now and then?
Has a turkey ever pardoned a weevil?
Could I be upsetting the world’s dead turkey-cranberry sauce balance?
Wouldn't the turkey actually be better off dead? Once the execution takes place, it's all be gravy.
Snoods, caruncles, wattles--who needs them?
Have turkeys ever made a contribution to society? Have they ever participated in a drug bust, for example? Saved someone freezing to death in the Alps? Delivered vital messages to Allied troops in wartime? Been pulled from a top hat?
In the future, will other animals demand similar treatment? Could I end up having to publicly pardon an anchovy next year?
Sure I might upset the turkey population by denying clemency, but isn't it good to ruffle a few million feathers now and then?
Has a turkey ever pardoned a weevil?
Could I be upsetting the world’s dead turkey-cranberry sauce balance?
Wouldn't the turkey actually be better off dead? Once the execution takes place, it's all be gravy.
Snoods, caruncles, wattles--who needs them?
Monday, November 9, 2009
My Answers to Some Questions Posed on Answers.com
Why are sodium and potassium not recommended as liming materials?
Bad liming.
Is there live on Mars?
Not since 1979, when a canceled performance by the massively popular Martian heavy rust group Syrtis Major sparked three days of rioting that left Meridian Bay a shambles.
Where can you found a remote control?
You might try Tibet, but I think you’re too late.
What are the mountains in turkey called?
Parasites.
Write a sentence with the word culminate?
My name is Nathaniel, but you can culminate.
What does a speeding ticket cost for 61 in a 45?
Speeding tickets are generally free of charge.
What is Ulysses S. Grant most famous for?
Two things: helping to save the Union and getting buried.
Where do skunks originally come from?
Skunkytown.
What is the opposite word of weight?
It varies. In your question, for example, it would be “of.”
Are mice stupid?
Well, they seem to get along quite well without Answers.com.
How can a president allow a bill to become a law?
Sadly, somebody has to.
There are four scoops of ice cream on one cone they are four different flavors how many ways can they be placed on the cone?
No one has ever been able to find out before they melted.
What do you call a vampire wolf hybrid?
Generally, they drive the same cars as the rest of us, but I’m guessing they’re partial to VWs.
Your heater in your truck is blowing out cold air only the car gauge shows the truck is hot?
Hey! Stay away from my truck!
What is the most venomous or poisonous animal?
Talk show host.
Where do you put the knife when done using it?
You’re not a jealous husband, are you?
How do you switch dragons?
Forget about it. Even if you found a switch big enough, you’d need superhuman strength to wield it.
Where was the nickel discovered?
In the dryer when I emptied it.
Can you substitue bordeaux wine for burgundy wine in cooking?
Yes, but the food will probably misbehave.
Houses in sydney australia?
Yes.
Did muhammad ali go to college?
No, but he took a lot of other people to school.
Do you need to dye your roots before getting highlights?
It depends on how soon you need to get to bed after Sportscenter is over.
In Pirates of Caribbean what two things are bad luck for sailors?
Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and Pirates of the Caribbean 3.
How do you say im not very good in french?
Put an apostrophe between the "i" and "m" and you’re good to go.
What type of music do vikings listen too?
Not sure, but I know they love The Pillage People.
Bad liming.
Is there live on Mars?
Not since 1979, when a canceled performance by the massively popular Martian heavy rust group Syrtis Major sparked three days of rioting that left Meridian Bay a shambles.
Where can you found a remote control?
You might try Tibet, but I think you’re too late.
What are the mountains in turkey called?
Parasites.
Write a sentence with the word culminate?
My name is Nathaniel, but you can culminate.
What does a speeding ticket cost for 61 in a 45?
Speeding tickets are generally free of charge.
What is Ulysses S. Grant most famous for?
Two things: helping to save the Union and getting buried.
Where do skunks originally come from?
Skunkytown.
What is the opposite word of weight?
It varies. In your question, for example, it would be “of.”
Are mice stupid?
Well, they seem to get along quite well without Answers.com.
How can a president allow a bill to become a law?
Sadly, somebody has to.
There are four scoops of ice cream on one cone they are four different flavors how many ways can they be placed on the cone?
No one has ever been able to find out before they melted.
What do you call a vampire wolf hybrid?
Generally, they drive the same cars as the rest of us, but I’m guessing they’re partial to VWs.
Your heater in your truck is blowing out cold air only the car gauge shows the truck is hot?
Hey! Stay away from my truck!
What is the most venomous or poisonous animal?
Talk show host.
Where do you put the knife when done using it?
You’re not a jealous husband, are you?
How do you switch dragons?
Forget about it. Even if you found a switch big enough, you’d need superhuman strength to wield it.
Where was the nickel discovered?
In the dryer when I emptied it.
Can you substitue bordeaux wine for burgundy wine in cooking?
Yes, but the food will probably misbehave.
Houses in sydney australia?
Yes.
Did muhammad ali go to college?
No, but he took a lot of other people to school.
Do you need to dye your roots before getting highlights?
It depends on how soon you need to get to bed after Sportscenter is over.
In Pirates of Caribbean what two things are bad luck for sailors?
Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and Pirates of the Caribbean 3.
How do you say im not very good in french?
Put an apostrophe between the "i" and "m" and you’re good to go.
What type of music do vikings listen too?
Not sure, but I know they love The Pillage People.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Listless Thoughts
Life is not like a box of chocolates. If it was, your mother would keep it out of your reach.
If I had a nickel for evey time somebody said “If I had a nickel,” that would be really cool.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who disagree.
Why aren’t there more jokes about Iceland?
Whenever someone says, “I hate hypocrites,” are they being too hard on themselves?
More fun than the Dewey Decimal System: The Dewey Decibel System.
There’s a fine line between money business and monkey business—or is it three fine lines?
I want to make a movie about myself and do it as a one-person project from beginning to end. That way, I can take all the credits.
I'm convinced it was grief (caused by a broken heart?), and not ambition or greed, that drove Columbus to leave Europe in search of a new world. After all, Columbus did sail the ocean blue, right?
Life is like a fast drive down a gravel road—one ding after another.
If I had a nickel for evey time somebody said “If I had a nickel,” that would be really cool.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who disagree.
Why aren’t there more jokes about Iceland?
Whenever someone says, “I hate hypocrites,” are they being too hard on themselves?
More fun than the Dewey Decimal System: The Dewey Decibel System.
There’s a fine line between money business and monkey business—or is it three fine lines?
I want to make a movie about myself and do it as a one-person project from beginning to end. That way, I can take all the credits.
I'm convinced it was grief (caused by a broken heart?), and not ambition or greed, that drove Columbus to leave Europe in search of a new world. After all, Columbus did sail the ocean blue, right?
Life is like a fast drive down a gravel road—one ding after another.
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