Shouted or Sung from the Ranks of Infantry Marching Behind Roman Generals’ Chariots During Various Triumphal Processions

“We want a prae-tor, not a tofu eat-er.”

“Julius and Servilia sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

“You’re no good, you’re no good, you’re no good, baby you’re no good.” (Or something like that)

“I knew Marcus Aurelius, and you’re no Marcus Aurelius!”

"If you're a general, I'm a Trojan pig."

“Your mother wears caligae!”

“Memento this!”

“The Ides of March rocks!”

“Where’s Spartacus when you need him?”

"Jupiter weeps!"

Nice boots, buddy!

Worst...General...evvverrr!

Star Baseball Player Contract Requests That Have Been Denied by Baseball Team Owners

Personal victory parade upon winning any major award 

 

Mechanical lift from dugout floor to playing field (escalator clause)

Use of horse for home run trots 

Ejection stadium seating three rows deep behind dugout, controlled from player's phone

Exclamation point following name on back of uniform 

Stat line “malfunction” on scoreboard during prolonged slumps 

Exemption from sacrificing, whether or not bunts are involved 

Walkup song to be played by personally selected live band 

Audible warning track with recording of Lost in Space robot saying "Danger [player's name]

Four guaranteed back pats or butt pats each game, gratis

Fireworks display upon starting argument with any umpire

Possible Benefits of Walking on Your Hands All the Time

Possible Benefits of Walking on Your Hands All the Time

You'll be taller.

If you’re not handy, you might be footy.

You will always win hands down. (When you do win that is.)

You might be able to get away with claiming you “tripped” over a certain someone’s head.

Your body language will become encoded.

You can kiss stubbing goodbye.

Nothing can get your dander up.

You'll never go unnoticed.

You’ll always know when things fall out of your pockets. (Of course, more things may fall out of your pockets, so maybe it’s a wash.)

You may circumvent holes-in-your-socks syndrome.

You should be able to use your hands in soccer.

You'll greatly reduce your chances of death by coconut. 

Reasons to Go Greyhound

You don’t want to take any chance of getting there being half the fun.  It might make "there" less than you expected..

You need to go somewhere you don’t really want to get to.

You like people, and you want it to stop.

You're knees have been bothering you and you want to teach them a lesson.

You had no choice; you just pushed the engage button on that blasted prototype time machine, and the next thing you know you're on a Greyhound bus headed toward Blytheville, Arkansas.

No one can throw you under the bus if you're on the bus.

You can imagine you're Willie Nelson 

No takeoffs, no landings (usually).

You hope you will come across that “very special” McDonald’s you forgot the exact location of.

You thought they’d let you ride a greyhound.

You‘re claustrohedonic.