Listing Towards Peoria

Reasons to Not Refer to Yourself in the Third Person

2011-05-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

Note: Let's just say your name is John Smith.

Your third person might begin referring to himself in the fifth person, and then we could all be in trouble.

If you talk to yourself, you may not be able to get a word in edgewise.

It would be extremely difficult to find monogrammed towels reading: John Smith's and Hers.

It may come to pass that one day you will find yourself on the tip of your tongue.

You may frequently find yourself lagging behind when reciting The Pledge of Allegiance.

You will probably not garner much sympathy by saying: "John Smith has a splitting headache."

It could put a serious crimp in any plans you may have to become a lyricist. Consider the following:

John Smith is the eggman, they are the eggmen, John Smith is the

walrus, goo goo g'joob...

It's John Smith's party, and John Smith will cry if John Smith wants to,

cry if John Smith wants to...

John Smith doesn't know why John Smith loves you like John Smith

does...

It just doesn't work!

When you go for a job interview, at some point during the process the interviewer may begin thinking to himself: "Hmmm ... this John Smith guy sounds fantastic. I wonder how I can get his phone number."

If you work for a financially-strapped corporation looking to eliminate redundant workers, you might go to the top of the list.

Constantly neglecting the proper use of I could at some point adversely affect your ability to correctly use eye, aye, and possibly even aaiiiiieeeeeee!.

Saying "John Smith does" would probably not be an auspicious way to kick off a marriage.

You might make am jealous of is.

My Feeble Attempt to Invent Some Words that Rhyme with Orange

2011-04-25T15:26:00.000-07:00

doorange

any reddish-yellow paint applied to a door

forange

foraging for oranges

florange

1. any orange-colored flower
2. an orange that costs a florin

gorange

the orange that stole Christmas

ignorange

the condition of having the intelligence of an orange

sorange

to slice an orange with fear and trembling

storange

a rental space where you keep your extra oranges (if you live in a particularly
small studio apartment or you're just crazy for oranges)

yourange

your half of the orange

Heatles/Beatles Questions

2011-01-24T19:58:00.000-08:00

What is a Heetle?

If the Heatles crossed Abbey Road, would they take more steps than the Beatles?

Who would win a fight between Pat Riley and Brian Epstein for the trademark rights to the word "Heatle"?

Who were the twelve minimally talented Beatles anyway?

Forty years from now, will anyone remember the name of the fourth Heatle? Forty minutes from now?

While Lebron James was deciding to "take his talents to South Beach," was the song "Help!" running through his head? Or maybe, "I Want to Hold Your Hand"?

Is it true that, when Pat Riley was a coach, he somehow found a way to make his players practice eight days a week?

Does Dan Gilbert refer to The Heatles as The Cheatles*?

Will the Heatles one day decide to stop touring? And will they be allowed to?

Is it true The White Album can't jump?

If a Heatle ever undercuts another team's player during a game, will that team's broadcaster say he "yellow submarined" him?

If The Heatles ever win an NBA title, will they insist on calling it a "teatle"?

If The Heat are going to reference a rock band in their assumed name, wouldn't a supergroup** reference be a more appropriate choice? "The Miami Heat Cream," perhaps?

*The Cheatles, incidentally, are a Beatles tribute band. (But Dan Gilbert might not know that.)

**[A]n amalgam formed by the talented malcontents of other bands," according to Time magazine.

Shocking Revelations About "The Most Interesting Man in the World"

2010-11-22T15:49:00.000-08:00

He kind of enjoys watching paint dry.

He can't get enough of passive verbs.

Brick walls have a saying: "It's like talking to that Dos Equis guy."

In the game "Six Degrees of The Most Interesting Man in the World," all the "MIMIW numbers" are square numbers.

He doesn't go to many movies, but when he does, he prefers Alan Smithee films.

That tatoo his mother has that says "Son"? It's to remind her of who he is when he's sitting across the table from her.

Mimes tell each other tiresome cheap jokes about him.

He served as the inspiration for the title character in the movie The Puffy Chair.

When he has a bright idea, a glow stick appears above his head.

He needs to wear special glasses to see things in 2D.

He would like Rice Krispies more if they just snapped.

He makes a better window than a door.

He has been diagnosed with polar disorder.

Sometimes on long trips his luggage loses him.

The Darks Ages were actually pretty happenin' until he time-travelled there in a 1970 AMC Gremlin.

Himself is always beating him up.

At his high school reunion, which he didn't attend, everyone told him: "You haven't changed a bit."

His nickname in the military was "Manikan Skywalker."

He put the "super" in "superfluous."

Scientists think he could visit Jupiter and not gain any weight.

He rides elevators just to hear the music.

He is being stalked by someone who calls herself "The Blue Fairy."

He doesn't often drink ale, but when he does, he prefers ginger ale.

Possible Future Developments That Could Make the Miami Heat's Big Three Even More Unlikeable

2010-08-18T19:49:00.000-07:00

Lebron James dunks on Michael Jordan’s statue.

Dwyane Wade tells an ESPN columnist that as early as the age of seven he began dreaming of becoming the third or fourth best player in the NBA while at the same time being the face of the franchise featuring the best player in the NBA.

Lebron James tweets that he’s keeping mental notes on everyone that looks at him funny.

Dwyane Wade tweets that, though he and the other members of the triumvirate are glad Mike Miller signed on as their (according to agent Arn Tellem) "Ringo," they all believe they could win a championship with the real Ringo.

LeBron James tells a sports reporter for The Miami Herald that he didn’t make his final decision to leave Cleveland until the night that Art Modell appeared to him in a dream.

An anonymous report surfaces in various media sources claiming that Maverick Carter’s real name is Archibald Leach.

A never-before-seen video surfaces from the 2008 Olympics showing the future Big Three scratching each others' backs.

When a reporter from Forbes Magazine asks Lebron James whether his decision to leave Cleveland for Miami has damaged his brand, Lebron responds: “Well, how about I get my branding iron out and we’ll test it on you?”

Lebron James drops into a Starbucks for a coffee purchase and spends twenty minutes trying to choose among Komodo Dragon Blend, Guatemala Antigua, and Italian Roast, resulting a few days later in an hour-long ESPN special titled "The Indecision."

Chris Bosh tweets himself silly, is hospitalized overnight for observation.

Pat Riley shows up at practice and gives his team a fiery pep talk urging them to mercilessly crush any NBA opponent who dares get in the way of their march to becoming the greatest NBA dynasty ever. The eyes of The Big Three become slowly spinning, cartoony spirals as they respond in unison with a monotone, “Yes, Master.”

The Heat players unveil a new pregame ritual that involves The Big Three patting themselves on the back while tooting their own horn, as the rest of the team demonstrates they know which side their bread is buttered on using bread and butter mascots.

Listyphus Says Goodbye (and Toots His Own Horn)

2009-12-26T15:06:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess it's time for Listyphus to become listless. That is, to cease and delist. But first:

Listyphus's Favorite Listyphus Lists (In Reverse Chronological Order, Kind Of)

Questions a President Should Ask Himself Before Pardoning a Turkey

Extraterrestrial Species I Have Met, With Brief Comments, Pt. 4 (K-N)

Vampire Westerns

Plays Written by a Roomful of Monkeys with Typewriters

The Franz List

Ifs and Buts, Etc.

Ideas for New Book Topics

Feebly Humorous Christmas Songs That Haven't Been Written Yet

Things Your Barber May Be Doing While You Have That Hot Towel Covering Your Face

Punnyography

Track List for an Album Titled The Moody Guitar

Events That Could Signal the End of the Internet

Product Names You Could Use for a Snooty Rich Guy's Name in That Movie Script You're Writing That Has a Snooty Rich Guy in It

From the Auditions of a Goose Who Never Made It as an Actor

Why I'm Not Afraid of Jack Bauer

Warning Labels for Humans

2009-12-14T13:50:00.000-08:00

Celebrity glory hounds: Do not over inflate

Umpire baiting baseball managers: Keep refrigerated

Celebrities with histories of repeated drug arrests or rehabs: Keep out of reach of children

Larry King: Objects on screen may not be as close as they appear

Power hungry political candidates: Discard after sell by date

News anchors: Be sure to install batteries properly (see diagram)

Chicago Cubs: Side effects may include the following: nausea, vomiting, depression, loss of perspective

Boy band members: Do not remove this tag under penalty of law

Prop comics: Do not exceed recommended dosage

Imperious ballet teachers, piano teachers, voice coaches, etc.: Flammable

Golf announcers: May cause drowsiness

RIAAAQ (Rarely If at All Asked Questions)

2009-11-29T21:49:00.000-08:00

Is there something about pin heads that makes angels want to dance on them?

What do you get if you cross the road with the chicken?

What came first, the chicken or the hero?

Hey, who’s that next to Waldo?…Kilroy?

Who edited The Book of Love?

Who would win a fight between Clark Kent and Jimmy Olsen?

Who says woodchucks can’t chuck wood?

How many ears must one man have, before he can make sweet corn pie?

Do bees wonder how we can fly?

Shouldn’t we call it Daylight Balancing Time?

How many light bulbs does it take to change a philosopher’s mind?

If a shot arrow travels half the distance to its target, then travels half the remaining distance, then again half the remaining distance, and so on repeatedly, can it ever reach its target? Or is your DVD player going to freeze up before then?

Questions a President Should Ask Himself Before Pardoning a Turkey

2009-11-15T21:36:00.000-08:00

Have any turkeys that have been pardoned in the past ever truly reformed?

Have turkeys ever made a significant contribution to society? Have they ever participated in a drug bust, for example? Or delivered vital messages to Allied troops in wartime? Or allowed themselves to be pulled out of a top hat? Is this particular turkey, if spared, likely to make such a contribution?

Might the practice of pardoning turkeys encourage non-birds to run afowl of the law?

Might the practice of pardoning turkeys encourage other birds, land animals, or marine life to lobby for similar treatment? Might the President one day be forced to watch himself pardoning an anchovy on the evening news?

While denying clemency to a turkey might greatly upset the remaining turkey population, isn’t it good to ruffle a few million feathers now and then?

Does a turkey understand anything about compassion? Has a turkey ever pardoned a weevil?

Might the continued practice of pardoning turkeys one day upset the world’s delicate dead turkey-cranberry sauce balance?

Might continuing the practice of pardoning turkeys eventually cost a President a significant portion of his skunk support?

And could it affect our relations with Canidae?

Is pardoning a turkey really an act of clemency? Because, if the execution is carried out, isn’t it all gravy after that?

Is it really an act of clemency to pardon a turkey, and then sentence it to life imprisonment at Disneyland?

My Answers to Some Questions Posed on Answers.com

2009-11-09T13:35:00.000-08:00

Why are sodium and potassium not recommended as liming materials?

Bad liming.

Is there live on Mars?

Not since 1979, when a canceled performance by the massively popular Martian heavy rust group Syrtis Major sparked three days of rioting that left Meridian Bay a shambles.

Where can you found a remote control?

You might try Tibet, but I think you’re too late.

What are the mountains in turkey called?

Parasites.

Write a sentence with the word culminate?

My name is Nathaniel, but you can culminate.

What does a speeding ticket cost for 61 in a 45?

Speeding tickets are generally free of charge.

What is Ulysses S. Grant most famous for?

Two things: helping to save the Union and getting buried.

Where do skunks originally come from?

Skunkytown.

What is the opposite word of weight?

It varies. In your question, for example, it would be “of.”

Are mice stupid?

Well, they seem to get along quite well without Answers.com.

How can a president allow a bill to become a law?

Sadly, somebody has to.

There are four scoops of ice cream on one cone they are four different flavors how many ways can they be placed on the cone?

No one has ever been able to find out before they melted.

What do you call a vampire wolf hybrid?

Generally, they drive the same cars as the rest of us, but I’m guessing they’re partial to VWs.

Your heater in your truck is blowing out cold air only the car gauge shows the truck is hot?

Hey! Stay away from my truck!

What is the most venomous or poisonous animal?

Talk show host.

Where do you put the knife when done using it?

You’re not a jealous husband, are you?

How do you switch dragons?

Forget about it. Even if you found a switch big enough, you’d need superhuman strength to wield it.

Where was the nickel discovered?

In the dryer when I emptied it.

Can you substitue bordeaux wine for burgundy wine in cooking?

Yes, but the food will probably misbehave.

Houses in sydney australia?

Yes.

Did muhammad ali go to college?

No, but he took a lot of other people to school.

Do you need to dye your roots before getting highlights?

It depends on how soon you need to get to bed after Sportscenter is over.

In Pirates of Caribbean what two things are bad luck for sailors?

Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

How do you say im not very good in french?

Put an apostrophe between the "i" and "m" and you’re good to go.

What type of music do vikings listen too?

Not sure, but I know they love The Pillage People.

Listless Thoughts

2009-11-01T19:37:00.000-08:00

Life is not like a box of chocolates. If it was, your mother would keep it out of your reach.

If I had a nickel for evey time somebody said “If I had a nickel,” that would be really cool.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who disagree.

Why aren’t there more jokes about Iceland?

Whenever someone says, “I hate hypocrites,” are they being too hard on themselves?

More fun than the Dewey Decimal System: The Dewey Decibel System.

There’s a fine line between money business and monkey business—or is it three fine lines?

I want to make a movie about myself and do it as a one-person project from beginning to end. That way, I can take all the credits.

I'm convinced it was grief (caused by a broken heart?), and not ambition or greed, that drove Columbus to leave Europe in search of a new world. After all, Columbus did sail the ocean blue, right?

Life is like a fast drive down a gravel road—one ding after another.

From a Poll of NASCAR Drivers

2009-10-25T22:50:00.000-07:00

Favorite vacation spot: Lapland

Favorite woodworking term: Lap joint

Favorite name for a bar they hope to open someday after retirement from NASCAR: The Lap Joint

Favorite form of music: Gangsta Lap(?!)

Favorite joke: Question: What do you call a lazy NASCAR driver? Answer: Lapadaisical

Word that most often causes them spelling problems: Lapse

Favorite comedian: Lappy White

Favorite lap: The lap of luxury (aka treasure lap)

Favorite: fairy tale: Lapunzel

Favorite rodent: Laporatory rat

Favorite thing to do following lunch: Afternoon lap

Favorite French mathematician: Laplace

Favorite form of office gambling: Lap pool

Favorite thing to say to someone who talks too much: “Quit lapping your gums.”

Favorite décor: Lapdash

Favorite treatment for someone who makes lame NASCAR jokes: Lapidation

Reasons to Reconsider Buying a Car

2009-10-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

Sooner or later, someone will have to see the manager.

It’s no accident that the word carnage has the word car in it. Or maybe it is.

There’s no such thing as radar love.

If you own a car...

Everything becomes personal, at least while driving.

There will inevitably come a time when you‘ll think you‘re going somewhere.

One day you’ll find yourself talking to your car. It won’t be a good day.

If you don't own a car...

Your kids will never ask you to buy them a car, because they’ll never want to be seen driving you around town.

With the money you save on gas, you can buy a gas station.

You can sit back and watch the Joneses fall further and further behind the Smiths.

You can own a TV the size of a garage.

If you can’t remember where you left your car keys and start wondering if your mind is going, the answer will be obvious.

A Survey of People Who Regularly Respond to Surveys

2009-10-14T12:27:00.000-07:00

97% of people who regularly respond to surveys think that other people care what they think.

81% of people who regularly respond to surveys indicate that most of their opinions are borrowed and that, while they always meant to return those opinions to their rightful owners, they have decided that ship has sailed.

86% of people who regularly respond to surveys say that they don’t know the difference between a poll and a survey, or if there is one.

Somewhat confusingly, 79% of the 86% mentioned above nevertheless indicate they would rather be surveyed than polled.

6% of people who regularly respond to surveys say of themselves that, so far, it looks like they have all the answers.

4% of people who regularly respond to surveys define a small sample size as any population sample that doesn‘t include them.

11% of people who regularly respond to surveys indicate that, on at least one occasion when they were responding to a phone survey, they thought they were in fact having a conversation with a distant relative.

61% of people who regularly respond to surveys say that if they are given the option of answering “no opinion” or "don't know" to any given question, they feel insulted.

50% of people who regularly respond to surveys indicate that they only deviate from the mean when no one is looking.

72% of people who regularly respond to surveys answered “no” when asked: “Is there such a thing as a dumb question?”

28% of people who regularly respond to surveys thought the above was a dumb question.

17% of people who regularly respond to surveys say they don’t take surveys all that seriously; they just like filling in little circles.

3% of people who regularly respond to surveys think that George Gallup is the name of Dudley Do-Right’s horse.

Things for Which There is a Less Than 1.7% Chance in Sports*

2009-10-05T19:58:00.000-07:00

There is a less than 1.7% chance that…

Elvis will be discovered working as an umpire in the Pioneer League

An NFL team will suspend and fine a group of its star players when they're caught watching Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood in the team's film room during practice

You will come across a sports talk show host you would want to sit next to on a city bus

The 1.7% chance the Chicago Bulls had of winning the NBA draft lottery was actually 100% disguised as 1.7%**

At any given moment something interesting is happening in a soccer match

Any of your local newspaper's sportswriters would make the list of authors Holden Caulfield wouldn't mind calling up

A pro athlete will decide he’s too fond of his name to sell it

The NFL will allow its head coaches to throw a challenge flag following a coin toss

A baseball umpire will utter the words “my bad” during a ball-and-strike-call argument

At any team competition drawing more than 200 fans, 100% of the fans will show up paintless

A member of any given sports team or its management will tell a reporter something like the following: "I really want to bring a championship to this city, because our fans are ... oh ... at least the third or fourth best fans in the league."

Referees during any NBA game will be able to utter the word "traveling" without struggling to keep a straight face

"The Sack Dance" will become a recognized category on Dancing with the Stars

*The Chicago Bulls won the top pick in the 2008 NBA draft lottery. Their chances of winning leading up to the lottery: 1.7%.

**Derrick Rose, the eventual #1 pick, is from Chicago.

Discovered in the Small Print of Ads for Psychic Advisors

2009-09-28T16:03:00.000-07:00

Free grain of salt with every reading.

Miss E__ cannot be held responsible for any lack of gullibility on your part.

If our perceptions of you do not match what you know to be true of yourself, you must consider the possibility that you are an impostor.

Just remember that Mr. N__ doesn't claim to be a Nostradamus. But then, even Nostradamus was no Nostradamus, right?

We make no claim that palm reading is a science. But it is scientificish.

If you are in the habit of reading the small print (like this) in advertisements, you are probably not a suitable candidate for our services.

We will only give you information about yourself and those you come in contact with that we believe is completely true, or at least could be.

Madame S__ always proves to be correct in the long run—she’s kind of like an economist that way.

The endorsements cited above have been channeled.

Mr. A__ is sensitive about his weight, so keep in mind that referring to him as a medium large may adversely affect the results of your reading.

Suggestions for Some New Words Beginning with Q Not Followed by U

2009-09-21T10:44:00.000-07:00

Q koo

Said of somone who is crazy for Qs

Q cumber

To write something (a sentence, paragraph, etc.) that has too many Qs in it

QX foliate

To rid Q cumbered writing of excess Qs

Q niform

1. A Q-shaped bone (usually resulting from extreme trauma)
2. The uniform worn by QT employees

Q ball

The 17th ball of the season

Q pickle

What James Bond gets into when he misuses one of Q’s gadgets

Q and Q

A series of hypothetical questions

Q string

1. The little line that tuns an O into a Q
2. What you live on when you run out of shoestring

Q et

A duet sung by Desmond Llewllyn and John de Lancie

Qooky

Extra kooky

Qooey

The brother Huey, Dewey, and Louie never talk about

Spice Up Your Halloween Menu with These

2009-09-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

Ascaragus

Voice from the gravy gravy

Spell peppers

Roast yuck

Blood and nuts

Samhanwiches

Black sundaes

Vultured ribs

Guanola bars

Ice squeam

Memento moray

Ghoul whip

Chainsawsage

Unholy mackerel

Skeleton quiche

Apple spider

Haunted grouse

Coven baked pizza

Popgore

Cauldron stroganoff surprise

Brain muffins

Chicken with mold sauce

Zompeas

Seriously twisted bread

Ways to Celebrate Touchdowns That Haven't Been Tried Yet, As Far as I Know

2009-09-07T14:07:00.000-07:00

Have the entire offense line up in the end zone on one side of the quarterback and then proceed past him one by one as he dispenses imaginary diplomas.

Kneel facing a teammate and have him dub you “Sir Touch of Down.”

Lay down on your back with your arms and legs in the air and have a teammate scratch your belly in a “Who’s a good boy?” routine.

Give your nearest teammates high-sixes.

Have your teammates huddle up behind your back, then toss the football over your shoulder so they can scramble to catch the “bouquet.”

Run around the end zone futilely trying to tackle yourself, to show that even you can’t stop you.

Do the Peppermint Twist.

Give the high sign to the cheerleaders, signaling them to hold up the printed cards you gave them before game time that spell out: MISSED ME, MISSED ME, NOW YA GOTTA KISS ME!

Pat your shoes on the butt.

Taunt the goal line.

If it's a breakaway, when you reach the 10-yard line, start twittering.

Curtsy.

Pro Wrestling Memoirs: A List as Real as Pro Wrestling Itself

2009-08-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

I Remember Trauma

The Foreign Object of My Affection

Don’t Let the Luchador Hit You on the Way Out

Now I‘ve Not Seen Everything: Life as a Pro Wrestling Referee

Piledriving Miss Daisy: Inside Women’s Wrestling

All the World’s a Cage Match

I Can Count to Three: What Pro Wrestling Has Taught Me

I’ve Taken So Many Steel Chairs to the Head, I Forgot How to Sit on One

Faking it Interesting

The Day I Threw a Match and Set the Crowd on Fire

Muscle Chowder

Wrestling's in My Blood—You Can See for Yourself

Things I Wouldn't Want to Die From

2009-08-22T23:09:00.000-07:00

Desultory combustion

Malignant pleonasm

Tickle overdose*

Mallaria

Bubonic plaque

Traumatic shlock

Chartreuse fever

Fatal browbeating

Bigpox

Anything involving a petard—especially my own petard

Stray ballet

*Would not want my death certificate to read: “Tickled to death.”

Things, Besides Crying, for Which There Should Be No Place in Baseball (with Some Caveats)

2009-08-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

Sprinting meat

Wearing your baseball cap upside down while you are right-side up

Dancing ground crews

Funky renditions of "The Star-Spangled Banner," unless at some point a fungo bat gets set on fire

Bad renditions of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” unless accompanied by free peanuts and cracker jack

Ceremonial first pitches thrown by someone who throws like a squirrel

Referring to a ballplayer by conjoining shortened versions of the player's first and last names (e.g., "A-Rod" for Alex Rodriguez, Han-Ram for Hanley Ramirez, D-Lee for Derrek Lee), unless you have been diagnosed with a disease so virulent, your life expectancy can be measured in syllables

Referring to a ballplayer by using a shortened and informal-sounding version of the player's last name (e.g., "Sully" for Sullivan, "Rami" for Ramirez, "Gonzo" for Gonzales), unless you are a teammate of that player, or have spent or are likely in the near future to spend a weekend fly-fishing with him in the Blue Ridge Mountains

~~Boring mascots~~ Mascots

Donnybrooks (rhubarbs OK)

Players assaulting plumbing in the dugout or clubhouse, unless plumbing is the aggressor

A player fraternizing on-field with a member of the opposition, even if that opposition player has previously given the player a commodities tip that paid off handsomely

Not Especially Intimidating Wrestling Moves

2009-08-05T23:47:00.000-07:00

The Sleep Aid

The Finger Sandwich

The Fist of Perturbation

The Dimple Gouge

The Hectoral Pectoral

The Atomic Pinch

The Heave of Destruction

The Poke Belly

The Stress Inducer

The Terminal Tweak

The Fanny Hack

The Aluminum Claw

The Corrective Boot

The Teddy Roosevelt (walk softly and carry a steel chair)

The Butt Butt

The Sneer of Transfixion

The Throws Garden

Shove and Disses

The Beau Pummel

Nicknames You Wouldn't Want to Be Tagged with Even If Your Name's Not James Jackson

2009-08-03T00:36:00.000-07:00

James “Open Fly” Jackson

James “Posthumous” Jackson

James “Sweaty Boy” Jackson

James “Nice Try” Jackson

James ”The Sudden Pall” Jackson

James “Nineteen-Finger” Jackson

James “Shootee” Jackson

James “Crazy Brows” Jackson

James “The Flailer” Jackson

James “Jetsam” Jackson

James “Predictable” Jackson

James “The Afterthought” Jackson

James “Something Fishy” Jackson

Sounds Remarkably Like One Hand Clapping

2009-07-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

One finger snapping

One lip smacking

One tooth chattering

One wind chime rod chiming

Five golden rings

One NFL lineman colliding

One coin jingling

One-half of a snap snapping

One heel clicking

One scissor snipping

One LEGO block joining

One band napping

Extraterrestrial Species I Have Met, With Brief Comments, Part 4 (K-N)*

2009-07-18T15:38:00.000-07:00

Note 1: The material in this post is a meticulously accurate record of what I have been told by the extraterrestrials themselves, and of what I have observed (most painstakingly) of their appearance and behavior. Any errors or misrepresentations are entirely their fault.
Note 2: In assembling my list of extraterrestrial races, I have relied on Wikipedia’s “List of Extraterrestrials in Fiction.” Of course, I could have constructed a list without Wikipedia’s help, based entirely on my own recollections and records. But, I have much in common with the Aziam (see Part 1).
Note 3: Undoubtedly Wikipedia included the “in fiction” in their title in order to maintain credibility with the uninitiated and ignorant masses of our planet.

Kadi…I’ve met them, but I’m not allowed to reveal what the Kadi said or what the Kadi did.

Kazon…Ambulate by rolling; it’s quite a sight to see the Kazons go rolling along.

Key-Guardians…They were quite courteous and helpful when I misplaced mine.

King Ghidora…Has visited innumerable uninhabited planets; also known as Ghidora the Explorer.

Kharaa…Kharaa insurance is quite expensive.

Kig-yar…Most of them are shape-shifters, but sometimes a Kig-yar is just a Kig-yar.

Kimera…Curiously, their accent is exactly the reverse of that of Commander Chekov of the Enterprise, so when they say their name, it sounds like our word camera.

Kivar…A virulent space bug that attacks the central nervous system of humans; you don’t want to get a Kivar up your spine.

Klingons…From a planet composed mostly of static.

Koozbanians…Successfully banned kooz throughout the universe. (Never heard of kooz? Now you know why.)

Krakeds…aka Krudes.

K’tang…Supposedly evolved from stray crystals from the powdered Tang that earth astronauts carried into space, but no one has ever explained how.

Kyo…Their current leader is Kyo Adrian.

Liir…Their pants are on fiir.

Limax…They love the snooze button.

Lipul…Intergalactic troublemakers; so universally disliked that many other races only like their Lipuls pierced.

Loboan…If attacked by a Loboan shark, watch out for your kneecaps.

Loomi…Loomi tunes are quite catchy.

Macra…They don’t get along with most other races, but one day, the Macra may.

Malons…When they’re on, they’re off.

Mangalores…Males outnumber females among them 20:1.

Marmosians…They love to mosey, even though they're pretty bad at it.

Martians…No, they are not from Mars. They’re tiny space creatures who live in or on Marti, a clerk at my local Blockbuster (kind of like in that recent Eddy Murphy movie I can’t remember the name of right now).

Mazians…I want to be a Mazian; I’ve always wanted to be a Mazian.

Melnorme…aka The Velvenfog.

Melotians…Always hogging the sun block.

Miradorn…Hired to decorate the now-defunct Russian space station.

Mmmmhrm…Used to be Momomomohorom, but the Hooloovoo stole all their o’s.

Mork…Admitted to me he’s not really from Ork.

The Mooninites…Stole Cat Stevens’ "Starry Starry Night" for use as their planetary anthem, sticking their name in the starry night parts.

Morlocks…Their motto: "You can never have too many locks." Big on security.

Mor-Taxans…Always want their taxes increased; they’re loony.

Mr. Saturn…I asked Mr. Saturn to give me a ring some time. Mr Saturn didn't laugh.

Neutrals…Shifty.

Nox…Approachable when they’re alone or in groups, but don’t bother two Nox.

*See also:

Part 1 (A-C), Part 2 (D-F), Part 3 (G-J)

Reality TV Shows That Would Be Worth Watching, At Least for 10 Minutes

2009-07-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

Who Wants to Be a Bazillionaire

A bazillion dollars is awarded to any contestant who can convincingly count to a bazillion on camera (no lifelines; judge's decisions final).

Lancing with the Stars

Celebrity jousting.

Sir Vivor

Hardcore jousting in exotic remote locations.

The Real Floyd the Barber

Contestants must survive twenty-two weeks cooped up in a barber shop with the most boring barber in America.

American Idle

The search for the laziest person in America becomes the search for contenders for the title of the laziest person in America when viable candidates consistently fail to show up for shooting.

Joe Schmaverage

Past contestants from Average Joe and Joe Schmo face off in a season-long Rummikub tournament.

The Bachelor Rhett

Rhett is looking to hook up with a drama queen named Scarlett. There are more of them around than you would think.

The Legend of Judge Roy Bean Redux

Television's first hanging judge routinely condemns defendants to death for such minor offenses as playing the pan flute in public and making rude gestures at pelicans. (Executions are not real, of course, but computer simulated. Judge Roy is not a monster.)

Animal Planet's Kangaroo Court

Past episode's of The People's Court, re-enacted by kangaroos.

Veal or No Veal

Contestants vie for boatloads of cutlets.

The Gladys Kravitzes

Follows the exploits of a group of snoopy suburban housewives who investigate reports of "funny business" in their neighborhoods.

Last Tuba Player Standing

Kind of like Last Comic Standing, except with tuba players and a non-figurative use of Standing.

Movies Peter Rabbit Declined to Appear in for Fear of Tainting His Image

2009-06-28T16:48:00.000-07:00

Blood and Hindguts

Kill Fudd

Rabbit Punch

The Gunny Rabbit

The Ear

Lethal Carrot

Burrow to the Brain

Dirty Harey

The Last Hutch on the Left

Gnawty, Gnawty

Lepus Creepus

A Hard Rabbit to Break

Ways to Annoy the Person Sitting Next to You on a Long-Distance Train Trip

2009-06-13T03:59:00.000-07:00

Tell him you’re very pleasantly surprised that even when you only pay coach fare, you apparently still get all the bells and whistles.

Tell her you used to be able to identify every type of locomotive engine, and the year it was manufactured, merely by listening to it idle, because once upon a time you had an engine ear.

Ask him if he knows if the dining car offers al fresco dining.

Tell her you always love riding trains because a train is the only place no one ever gives you a hard time for walking around with “Pillowy” under your arm.

Tell him you heard that the other engineers refer to your engineer as “Sidetrack Sally.”

Ask her if she’ll switch seats with you periodically so you can keep your butt aligned.

Nickname your conductor "AC," and call him/her this every time he/she walks past.

Periodically take your train schedule out of your pocket, methodically unfold it, examine it closely, snort, and carefully fold it and put it back into your pocket.

Occasionally and without warning break out into a chorus of “I’m Singin’ in the Train.”

Lean over and, with a worried look on your face, say, “You know, I think I just heard a clackety-click. Do you think I should tell someone?”

Tell her: “Too bad this isn’t a bullet train, ‘cause I really feel like getting loaded.”

Animals I'm Glad Don't Exist

2009-06-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

Air moccasins

Porcupusses

Black widow spider monkeys

Electric rats

Sabertooth poodles

Garden gorillas

Paralyzer bunnies

Dung hippos

Liversters

Chipskunks

Now Showing at the Deep Forest Cineplex

2009-06-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

Manbob Wearpants: The Movie

Manbat Begins

People Cats

Never Cry Wolf Blitzer

Snakes Stuck on a Stupid Plane Filled with Idiots

Gromit and Wallace

Rambi: Second Blood

101 (Two-Legged) Alsatians

The Not Very Shaggy Man

Who Framed Perry Person

The Brave Chicken

Dances with Swedes

Lassie Go Home

Heartthrob and the Woman

There's a Girl in My Soup

Mehn

Shouted or Sung from the Ranks of Infantry Marching Behind Roman Generals’ Chariots During Various Triumphal Processions

2009-05-25T11:23:00.000-07:00

“We want a prae-tor, not a tofu eat-er.”

“Julius and Servilia sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

“You’re no good, you’re no good, you’re no good, baby you’re no good.”

“I knew Marcus Aurelius, and you’re no Marcus Aurelius!”

“Dictator, schmictator!”

“Your mother wears military sandals!”

“Memento this!”

“The Ides of March rocks!”

“Where’s Spartacus when you need him?”

“Imperator, schmimperator!”

“What a bunch of boot lictors! And hey—nice boots!

Star Baseball Player Contract Requests That Have Been Denied by Baseball Team Owners

2009-05-18T10:16:00.000-07:00

Personal victory parade upon winning any major award for performance (Cy Young, MVP, best dramatic performance designed to sway an umpire’s decision, etc.)

Personal mini-escalator from dugout floor to playing field (giving new meaning to the term "escalator clause")

Personal on-deck circle, with moving sidewalk to home plate

Use of horse for home run trots

Ejection stadium seating, with control panel in dugout

Immunity from curveballs (actually, as it turns out, OK’d by owner, but rejected by Commissioner)

Exclamation point following name on back of uniform

Ten guaranteed front-row seats to first “post-death” Elvis concert, whenever there is one

Scoreboard player stat line “malfunction” during prolonged slumps

Exemption from sacrificing, whether or not bunts are involved

Personal “at bat song” to be played live by own personal “at bat” band

Audible warning track with voice of Lost in Space robot saying "Danger, [Star Player's Name]!"

Guaranteed regular back- and/or butt-pats from manager and/or coaches (minimum of six(6) per game)

Possible Benefits of Walking on Your Hands All the Time

2009-05-11T09:19:00.000-07:00

Someone planning to do something behind your back might get confused.

People might think you grew.

If you’re not handy, you might discover that you’re footy.

You might win that promotion hands down.

It might make it easier for someone to knock your socks off.

You might get away with claiming you “tripped” over a certain someone’s head.

Your body language might become illegible, at least to non-handwalkers.

You might be able to kiss stubbing goodbye.

You will probably have an easier time keeping your dander down.

You’ll probably have a better chance of spotting things that fall out of your pockets. (Of course, more things may fall out of your pockets, so maybe it’s a wash.)

You might be able to get away with using your hands in soccer.

You'll probably reduce or maybe even eliminate your chances of being killed by a falling coconut.

Reasons to Go Greyhound

2009-05-04T22:31:00.000-07:00

You don’t want to take any chance of getting there being half the fun, or even a small portion of the fun, because you feel that this would dilute the fun of there.

You need to get somewhere you don’t really want to get to, so you‘re dragging your feet, so to speak.

You like people, and you want it to stop.

You had no choice; you just pushed the engage button on that blasted prototype time machine, and the next thing you know you're on a Greyhound bus headed toward Blytheville, Arkansas.

The wheels of the bus go round and round.

No one can throw you under the bus if you are on the bus.

There’s no such thing as bus lag. … Well, actually, there is such a thing as bus lag, but you know what I mean.

No takeoffs, no landings. (Usually).

You hope you will come across that “very special” McDonald’s you forgot the exact location of.

You thought they’d actually let you ride a greyhound.

Your knees have been giving you trouble, and you want to teach them a lesson.

You‘re claustrohedonic.

Vampire Westerns

2009-04-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

Fang ‘em High

The Dracnificent Seven

Really Pale Rider

Don’t Bite the Bullet

Blazing Coffins

The Sucking Bronco

The Assassination of Count Dracula by the Coward Abraham Van Helsing

The Adam’s Apple Dumpling Gang

The Chewtist

Reddish River

Wanted: Dead or Undead or Alive

Bat in the Saddle Again

Once Bitten, Twice Gunshy

The Good Guys and the Vlad Guys

Nooseferatu

Blurbs You Wouldn't Want to See on the Back Cover of Your First Book

2009-04-19T16:29:00.000-07:00

“I found it literally impossible to put this book down. Of course, that may have been because it was so full of hot air.”

“If I could have one book with me on a desert island, this would be the one—because I’d have no scruples about using it to start a signal fire.”

“A memoir so brutally honest, it made me want to file charges against it.”

“This book helped brighten my day. At 923-pages long, I was able to step up on it to change a light bulb.”

“This is a book that should be found on every nightstand in America. Because ... you know those sheep that you count when you can’t go to sleep? This book would put them to sleep.”

“If you can‘t afford to buy this book, go out and steal it from your local library. Please!”—Joanie Jones, President, Unified Library Association

“Make sure you read this book from cover to cover—and skip everything in between.”

“My only wish is that this book would have been a lot longer. Then I could have left more of it unread.”

“This is the kind of book you put down and say: “I wish I could have rewritten that!”

“This book has literally changed my life, as it has put me off reading forever.”

“Smart! Insightful! Brilliant!”—Clu Liss, Mismanaging Editor, the For Knuckleheads series of books

"Move over Snoopy!"

Videos You Will Probably See on You Tube Someday (If You Haven't Already)

2009-04-12T15:20:00.000-07:00

A dog and a cat playing Risk

A man who can make his hair do twenty push-ups

A woman who can twiddle her shoulders around one another like they were thumbs

A 7689-mile-long line of toppling dominoes that retraces the entire route taken by the Corps of Discovery

A coffee spill that looks uncannily like the face of The Office and Night at the Museum actor Ricky Gervais

The world’s oldest pipe fitter

An enhanced image from the video of the Apollo 11 astronauts' moon walk that purportedly proves that three flies did in fact accompany them to the moon

A wild pig plowing into a line of cars at a freeway rest stop after stealing an unattended road grader (click on Crashing Boar)

An interview with a nine-year-old real-life Jimmy Neutron who went into orbit without telling his parents

A pyrotechnician who finds himself literally hoist by his own petard at a Fourth of July celebration (with only his dignity hurt)

A woman who lives in a studio apartment she created inside a retired-from-service concrete mixer truck. “Planes, boats, trains, trailers—if people can make their homes in these,” the woman says, “why not a concrete mixer? It's really cozy. And rearranging the furniture is a snap.”

Brad Pitt and Sasquatch playing Risk

An NBA All-Star slam dunk competition winner who clinches victory by dunking the ball with his face

A normal person walking down the street

Too Violent Movies for Children

2009-04-06T19:30:00.000-07:00

Madagascarface

Mickey Spillane’s Mike Hamster

Woody Whacks a Mole

A Fistful of Skittles

Pat Ferret and Billy the Squid

The Wild Bunch of Muppets

You Dirty Ratatouille

The Good, The Bad, and The Pugsley

Mobsters vs. Aliens

Lady in Red and the Tramp

Dadiator

The Silence of the Lamb Chops

VertiGO!

Cody Banks Gets His License (To Kill)

Get Willy

Basin City Chihuahua

Punchémon

Inspector Blunt Object

Talking to Food: Don'ts and Don'ts

2009-03-30T16:47:00.000-07:00

Never ask a half-baked potato for advice.

Never tell scrambled eggs to just pull themselves together.

Never try to interrogate a hard-boiled egg. You'd be wasting your time.

Never ask a hot dog to to dance, sing, or play the piano. Same goes for a ham.

Never refer to yourself as "toast" in the presence of toast.

Never taunt orange roughy (unless you have backup).

Never say anything to skimmed milk, or associate with it in any way.

Never hit up a cupcake for money, unless you don’t mind feeling crummy afterward.

Never (ever!) agree to let bacon take you home.

Never let yourself be drawn into an argument with rhubarb pie.

Never give Spam your e-mail address.

Never ask a tossed salad if it's OK.

Never ask a cured fish about its past, because you may hit a raw nerve. And besides, any answer you got would sound fishy.

Never be sardonic with sardines. (But it’s OK to be sardinic.)

Never use the term "cauliflower ear," especially around cauliflower. It may be vegetably insensitive.

Never ask an English muffin if it likes soccer. ("It's called football, you berk!")

Never ask corn if it knows a good joke. (You may want to ask corn if it knows a good pun. Use your discretion.)

Never ask salt why no one's ever heard of Sgt. Salt's Lonely Hearts Club Band. You'd only be rubbing pepper into its wounds.

Professional Baseball Player or Hobo King/Queen?

2009-03-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

Colorado Rocky

Tampa Bay Ray

El Paso Kid

Reno Ace

Florida Marlin

New York Slim

Iowa Blackie

Cedar Rapids Kernel

Frisco Jack

Minneapolis Jewel

Philadelphia Phillie

Bakersfield Blaze

State College Spike

Washington Nat

Burlington Bee

San Diego Padre

Ohio Ned

Bowling Green Hot Rod

Connecticut Shorty

Birmingham Baron

Kansas City Royal

Arizona Bill

~~Minnesota Fats~~

New York Maggie

Tennessee Smoky

Los Angeles Angel of Anaheim

Answer: All are professional baseball team members, except ...

Hobo Kings: El Paso Kid (1989); New York Slim (1998); Iowa Blackie (1993); Frisco Jack (1985); Ohio Ned (1991); Arizona Bill (1958)

Hobo Queens: Minneapolis Jewel (1986, 1991, 1997); Connecticut Shorty (1992); New York Maggie (1994)

... and that guy I crossed out.

Sources: http://www.hobo.com/kings1.htm
http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/homepage/narrowband.jsp
http://web.minorleaguebaseball.com/index.jsp

Plays Written by a Roomful of Monkeys with Typewriters

2009-03-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

The Two Bananas of Verona

Banana for Banana

The Comedy of Bananas

Much Ado About Nothing (Except Bananas)

Love’s Bananas Lost

The Merry Wives of Bananaville

A Midsummer Night’s Banana

Banan(As) You Like It

Twelfth Banana or What You Peel

The Banana’s Tale

The Two Noble Bananas

Banana VIII

Bananalanus

Titus Bananicus

Romeo and Juliet and Bananas

MacBanana

Zippy of Athens (Lover of Bananas)

Bananas Go Hamlet

Obanano

Banana Caeser

All’s Well That Ends Banana

Names The Lone Ranger Considered Adopting Before He Became Officially Known as The Lone Ranger

2009-03-16T10:51:00.000-07:00

The Solitary Sheriff

The Isolated Marshal

The Socially Withdrawn Lawman

The Highly Independent Peace Officer

The Reclusive Constable

The Wallflower Vigilante

The Keeps-to-Himself Nemesis of Evil

The Self-Sufficient Pimpernel

Silverfinger

That “Hi-Yo Silver” Guy

Klinton Spilsbury

To-do List for the Space Alien's Last Week on Earth

2009-03-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

Sweep up around Stonehenge.

Store up on spackle (Yum!) for the long trip home.

Abduct at least one earthling so as not to disappoint the rest of them (just kidding!).

Say goodbye to Chuck Berry. (Thanks for the invite, Chuck!)

Return E.T. (the movie, not THE E.T.) to the Roswell Public Library.

De-woof the warp drive.

Find a suitable parting gift for the rat leader (i.e., the leader of the rats).

Figure out an unobtrusive way to compensate the Chicago Cubs and their fans for all the trouble we’ve inadvertently caused them.

Round up some stray cats for Kitty to snack on during the trip home. Also, pick up a toy for Kitty that will keep him occupied on the trip—perhaps that joke-of-a-neighbor Pritchard’s new Buick.

Assemble data from my observations of the goings-on at Kitt Observatory. (Is this an example of what earthlings call irony? Decades on earth and I’m still not sure.)

Call Allplanet and adjust deductible.

Visit the MasterCard offices and “flash” a few people, MIB-style.

The Franz List

2009-03-02T12:19:00.000-08:00

Two ants climbed to the top of Franz, because they wanted to be up Franz with each other.

Franz opened a beauty salon in the international terminal at the airport. He called it “Hair Franz.”

Though Ms. Franz is a virtual unknown, I've always loved Nora F. Franz books.

Franz in my life, I’ve got someone who needs me.

If Dennis Franz and Jim Nabors had moved in next door to each other, it wouldn’t have changed anything. They were always Franz and Nabors.

My dentist Franz thinks he used to be on NYPD Blue.

Bill Franz has an enormous beer belly; so naturally everyone calls him Bill “The Island of Lager“ Franz.

Nice potted palm, Franz.

When I want Franz's opinion, I always say, "Give me a Franz stance.”

Franz Sisco is a real party pooper; so parties always pick up, sans Franz Sisco.

Franz sick! Medicine!

The Franz! Aaay!

Q and A with Myself

2009-02-21T22:15:00.000-08:00

I: First of all, let me thank you for taking time out of your cluttered schedule to sit down with me for this brief Q and A.

Myself: Well, normally I would pretend I’m too busy for this kind of thing, but I decided to make an exception in your case since you are, after all…uh…me.

I: Of course. I thought that might influence your decision.

M: And you were right, as usual.

I: But I must say I’m confused by your decision to include this Q and A, as you indicated to me you would, in Listing Towards Peoria. I thought you only did lists there.

M: Well, I presume you have prepared a list of questions to ask me.

I: Prepared might not be the right word, but, yes, I do have a list of questions.

M: That’s good enough for me.

I: And who am I to quibble?

M: Exactly.

I: Speaking of my list of questions, though, I feel I should warn you that on the surface my questions may all seem arbitrary and pointless.

M: What about below the surface?

I: Hmmm. I’m afraid I must confess that you have taken me aback, sir.

M: HA! Just kidding!

I: Good. First question. If you were a tree, what kind of tree do you think you would be?

M: That’s easy. You know that tree that falls in the forest and no one’s around to hear it, so they don’t know if it makes a sound? I’m that tree.

I : So, do you make a sound when you fall?

M: How should I know? I’m a tree!

I. Of course. Next question. What famous dead person do you think would most like to meet you?

M: Probably Dracula or Will Rogers, one of the two.

I: Well, I’m not sure Dracula’s dead at the moment, but we can check on that later.

M: Maybe you can. I’ll probably pretend I’m too busy.

I: Of course. Next question: Barry Bonds—guilty or innocent?

M: Me, I’m still wondering how Gary U.S. Bonds got away with impersonating a treasury security.

I: Well, I guess it just proves that sometimes the law is an ass. Anyway, next question. What is your stance on global warming?

M: I always remind myself not to crowd the plate. I wouldn’t want global warming to bust one inside on me.

I: Good thinking. Next question. Do you believe there’s life on other planets?

M: Well, once I was frying up some eggs when I looked down into the frying pan and saw an unidentified frying object that looked like one of those Ceti Eel’s from the Wrath of … Hey, wait a minute! You’ve got a wattle! I don’t have a wattle! Maybe you’re not me aft…

I: Hold on, I can fix that……….Better?

M: Much, thanks.

I: And you have forgotten all about that last question, right?

M: You mean the one about global warming?

I: Yes…errr…I mean…no...I mean…Hey, I’m supposed to be the one asking the questions…so let’s just move on. OK?

M: OK.

I: What would you do with your winnings if you won the lottery?

M: Start a lottery.

I: Snare the wealth and share the wealth, eh?

M: Something like that....But then again, nothing like that at all.

I: I catch you drift. Next question. If you were a raindrop, where would you like to fall?

M: Probably in a can of oil, or something else I'd be immiscible with. Otherwise—bye-bye raindrop!

I: Always thinking! Next question. How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

M: Seriously?

I: No.

M: Because I do have an answer for that question.

I: I ‘m not surprised, but…No. Next question. What is the most unusual job you’ve ever had?

M: Let’s see…I guess I’d have to say it was the time I spent as an Elvis has left the building impersonator.

I: Hmmm. How did that work?

M: Well, when a crowd of people hears that Elvis has left the building, and they look around the room just to make sure, an Elvis has left the building impersonator impersonates the Elvis that's not there.

I: You know, I have to say that that just doesn’t make any sense at all.

M: I know! But hey, it paid the bills!

I: Really?!

M: Yes. Well…that and my side job anyway. Which I still have.

I: And what would that be?

M: I carve soap figures of famous people and sell them at fairs and flea markets. You should see my soap Oprah.

I: Maybe some other time.

M: And my Soapia Loren and Soapie Tucker.

I: I think we’re done.

M: And my Arthur Soapenhauer.

I: Now I know we’re done.

M: Say—did I ever tell you I’ve been looking into becoming a wild cabbage tamer?

I: Really?…Hmmm…Now that sounds interesting. Tell me more.

Things to Do While Waiting in a Very Long Supermarket Checkout Line

2009-02-15T22:34:00.000-08:00

Wait.

Have a pleasant conversation with a strangely undersized and reticent Angelina Jolie.

Ponder this question: “If I bought a hand-held misting fan on impulse, could I look at myself in the mirror ever again?”

Try to mentally construct a Transformer from your shopping cart that wouldn’t have sand kicked in its face by other Transformers.

If you don’t already qualify for the senior discount, boost your spirits by considering the possibility that you might by the time you get to the front of the line.

Use your ventriloquist voice to make money talk whenever the cash register drawer opens. (If you don’t have a ventriloquist voice, shame on you for wasting all that time last time you waited in long line at the supermarket.)

Play with your food.

Using the divider sticks from the conveyor belt, develop a Flying Karamazov Brothers routine in conjunction with someone three or four lines down.

Try to come up with a way to shut up REO Speedwagon that doesn‘t involve vandalism.

Say this (discreetly but audibly) to the person in front of you: "I sure hope no one has to pay by check, or has a tale to tell the cashier about a family dog with a prosthesis. I really don't want to be late for my anger management class."

Use your cell phone to make any needed service calls, doctor or dentist appointments, ticket purchases, etc. It pays to multi-wait.

Tell everyone waiting with you in line that you’re taking a poll and ask them to raise their hands if they agree with the following statement: “There’s a thin line between scan and scam.”

Study the cashier's facial expressions and body language closely and try to gauge what he or she would consider a sufficient contribution to Jerry’s Kids.

Cheer plastic, boo paper (or vice versa).

Wait.

Extraterrestrial Species I Have Met, With Brief Comments, Part 3 (G-J)*

2009-02-15T20:58:00.000-08:00

Note 1: The material in this post is a meticulously accurate record of what I have been told by the extraterrestrials themselves, and of what I have observed (most painstakingly) of their appearance and behavior. Any errors or misrepre-sentations are entirely their fault.
Note 2: In assembling my list of extraterrestrial races, I have relied on Wikipedia’s “List of Extraterrestrials in Fiction.” Of course, I could have constructed a list without Wikipedia’s help, based entirely on my own recollections and records. But, I have much in common with the Aziam (see Part 1).
Note 3: Undoubtedly Wikipedia included the “in fiction” in their title in order to maintain credibility with the uninitiated and ignorant masses of our planet.

Gaim…They’re always afoot.

Galactus…Galactus are warriors; Guyactus sit at home all day playing Guitar Hero.

Garthlings…Very tight with the Waynelings.

Gelth…Favorite alcoholic drink: Gelth Bomber.

Gethenians…Pattern themselves after the Athenians. At least that’s my Geth.

Gill Men…Turned on by gills.

Gladifers…Made positively giddy by conditional clauses.

Glapum’tians…Once easily conquered a planet when its inhabitants mistakenly thought they were being invaded by glad pumpkins.

Gloarft…I’ve never met a Gloarft, but I remember seeing Gloarft flashed on my TV screen once when Adam West’s Batman landed a hard blow to the Riddler’s solar plexus. Not sure if there’s a connection.

Godan…Also the name of their planet; there’s not a single Dan on Godan who suffers from low self-esteem.

Gorn…Orville Redenbacher once got into a fight with one and put him away with one punch (actual headline: Orville Redenbacher pops Gorn).

Gowachin…A notably pusillanimous race, who as often as not are derogatorily called Growachin.

G.R.A.I.S.E….A highly self-deprecating race. Name stands for: Get Real! Acronyms and Initialisms Suck Eggs.

The Graske…A two-toned race, The Graske is sometimes greener on the other side.

Grue…Clark Kent actually migrated to their planet for a short time after leaving Smallville, but he left when he tired of being called Supergrue.

Grunds…Came perilously close to being Gerunds, which would have left everyone confused.

Hangi…Pocket-sized aliens; you could wipe your nose with them (but that would be rude).

Hanshaks...Inveterate bandwagon jumpers generally. When things are going poorly, most of them run for cover; but when things are going well, there are Hanshaks all around.

Headcrabs…Rulers of all crabs (including Earth crabs) ; the crab capital is on a moon of Neptune, but only the crabs knew that until recently.

High Ones…Once humbled by the Low Twos.

Horta…Highly civilized; Horta culture is much admired.

Hutts…Have no use for two, three, or four.

Husnock…They’re mad because the Hutts butted in line; war is immanent.

Hydrans…Afflicted by cynophobia, and for good reason.

Iberons…Space pirates, all named Ron.

Ibs…Thinking of changing their name, because people are always mistakenly calling them “Pounds.”

Ice Warriors…The remains of Ice Warriors who fall in battle have in some quarters become an illicit source of crushed ice.

Ishtarians…Kind of like the Rotarians, but geared toward individuals who are not afraid to admit they paid good money to see the movie Ishtar.

Jawa…Have put up a rather flimsy defensive shield around their planet called the Jawa Curtain.

Jotoki…They reproduce like rabbits; even as you read this, the population of Jotoki mushrooms.

*See also:

Part 1, A-C; Part 2, D-F; Part 4, K-N

"Versus" Movies I'd Rather See Than AVP: Alien vs. Predator

2009-02-09T15:20:00.000-08:00

Animal House vs. Big Momma’s House

Indiana Jones vs. Nevada Smith

2001 vs. 1941

Lord of the Rings vs. The Ring: The Forfeit

Semi-Final Twin Bill: Joe vs. the Flying Saucers; Earth vs. the Volcano (with winners to meet in a championship sequel and losers in a consolation sequel)

Dennis the Menace vs. The Phantom Menace

Inspector Clouseau vs. The Brave Little Toaster

The Piano vs. The Piano Teacher

Thirteen Ghosts vs. Twelve Monkeys

Hair vs. Hairspray

Beaver Cleaver vs. A Clever Beaver (Reilly the Beaver or Mr. Beaver, for example)

Iron Man vs. Three Days of Rain

The Invisible Man vs. The Man Who Wasn't There

Royal Mumble: The Letters of the Alphabet vs. Each Other (except, possibly, C, R, and T, which, to my knowledge at least, are the only letters that don’t have a film named after them*)

*See http://www.imdb.com/keyword/one-letter-title/ (which may or may not have missed http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0325636/ and http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1321439/).

Signs You Could Be a Butterfly Dreaming You're a Man (or Woman), As Chuang Tzu Suggested

2009-02-01T14:49:00.000-08:00

People are always saying you remind them of Tinkerbell.

You’re deeply offended by Imelda Marcos’ nickname, though you’re not quite sure why.

You’re always being chased by small children, for no apparent reason.

You have been chased at least once by funny-looking English dudes carrying small nets and wearing khaki shorts, knee socks, and pith helmets, for no apparent reason.

When you’re nervous, you want to say that you’ve got humans in your stomach, though you never actually would say that.

You experience a vague sense of schadenfreude whenever you’re around moths.

You can fit a completed first draft of your memoirs on a large table napkin.

A young man who introduced himself as Cassius Clay once asked you to teach him how to float like a butterfly.

You’re always seeing tattoos of you, even on perfect strangers.

You always keep your distance from that guy in your office who thinks he might be a bird dreaming he‘s a man.

You have relatives and friends with second homes in Central America.

You speak fluent butterfly.

You're not afraid of needles, but you're deathly afraid of pins.

Ifs and Buts, Etc.

2009-01-26T07:55:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows that "if ifs and buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas." But what many people do not know is that ...

If ors and ands were blue skies and sands, every day would be a day at the beach.

If maybes and supposes were oil and roses, every day would include a parade.

If whats and whys were turkeys and pies, every day would be Thanksgiving.

If pardons and excuses were discounts and bruises, every day would be the day after Thanksgiving.

If tos and froms were banners and drums, every day would be the Fourth of July.

If hellos and goodbyes were shamrocks and green ties, every day would be St. Patrick’s Day.

If ons and offs were sniffles and coughs, every day would be a call in sick day.

If yous and mes were two kinds of trees, every day would be Arbor Day.

If cames and wents were dollars and cents, every day would be payday.

If doubts and certains were ballots and curtains, every day would be Election Day.

If intos and throughs were pumpkins and boos, every day would be Halloween.

If stops and starts were chocolates and hearts, every day would be Valentine’s Day.

If pleases and thanks were fakeouts and pranks, every day would be April Fool’s Day.

If thises and thats were cowlicks and mats, every day would be a bad hair day.

Product Names You Could Use for a Snooty Rich Guy's Name in That Movie Script You're Writing That Has a Snooty Rich Guy in It

2009-01-18T18:35:00.000-08:00

Burlington Coats

Hoover Upright

Waring Blender

Converse Hightop

Kenmore Dryer

Jacquard Duvet

Gibson Goldtop

Chip Pentium

Salomon Duffle

Batavus Favoriet

Crosley Arlington

Emerson Bluetooth

Meade Glacier

Remington Shavers

Jergens Shea Butter

Olympus Stylus

Pepper Snapple

Sequels/Prequels to Some Popular Music Songs That Never Made It Out of the Recording Studio

2009-01-15T13:53:00.000-08:00

Twentieth Nervous Breakdown

Revolution No. 9 II: Still Annoying

Someday I Want to Be a Lineman for the County

I’m Writing the Book of Love, and I'm Doing it Anonymously

Uh, More Like 94 Tears (My Bad)

Till There Wasn’t You Anymore

Exit Sandman

The Second Cut Ain’t No Picnic

I Touched That! Nyaaaaa-nyaa-nyaa-nyaa

He’s Put on a Few Pounds, But All the Same, He’s Still My Brother

NNNBop

Why Did I Ever Believe I Could Fly, Can You Tell Me That?

Baby, Which Part of “Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood” Did You Not Understand?

Here I Am in Phoenix, and She’s Out Like a Light

Clarksville

Whoa! This Place is Just as Bad as the Place We Just Got Out Of

A Somewhat Darker Whiter Shade of Pale

Killing Me Really, Really Softly with His Song, a Lot More Softly than Last Time, Even---I Mean, the Kind of Soft That You Would Spell with a Capital S if It Didn’t Have a Capital S Already Because It’s in a Song Title……Yeah…Sawwwwwwwwwwfffft…Oooooh

It’s Been a Hard Night’s Day’s Night…Or Something Like That

I Fought the Law Again and the Law Won Again (But I'm Going for Three out of Five)

Corporal Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Extraterrestrial Species I Have Met, With Brief Comments, Part 2 (D-F)*

2009-01-09T11:42:00.000-08:00

Note 1: The material in this post is a meticulously accurate record of what I have been told by the extraterrestrials themselves, and of what I have observed (most painstakingly) of their appearance and behavior. Any errors or misrepresentations are entirely their fault.
Note 2: In constructing my report, I have relied on Wikipedia’s “List of Extraterrestrials in Fiction.” Of course, I could have constructed a list without Wikipedia’s help, based entirely on my own recollections and records. But, I have much in common with the Aziam (see Part 1).
Note 3: Undoubtedly Wikipedia included the “in fiction” in their title in order to maintain credibility with the uninitiated and ignorant masses of our planet.

Daktaklakpak…Originally came to earth because they thought Popeye the Sailor was summoning them. (Say their name twice real fast and it sounds like Popeye laughing, at least if you‘re listening in to The Popeye and Olive Show from another galaxy, which they were.)

The Dance…Also the name of their planet, to which only a select few outsiders have ever been invited.

Darrians…Spend their lives trying to control the Samanthians, to no avail.

Decapodian…Always spilling things, and small wonder.

Defiance…Rebellious youth among the Defiance frustrate their parents by taking on the trappings of the Compliance.

Delphons…The Harlem Globetrotters of interplanetary water basketball.

Deltans…Robert Johnson ran into several of them at the crossroads. They all had a nice chat.

Delvians…Always sticking their two noses in where they don’t belong.

Demiurg…Huge fans of Demi Moore, they even liked The Butcher‘s Wife.

Deng…Refuse to say Demn.

Dentics…Have jittery teeth.

Doog…Artificial creatures; produced by a Doog synthesizer.

the Doublers…Always make contact, but refuse to take more than two bases; a bane and blessing to baseball managers throughout the cosmos.

Douwd…Pronounced Douwn, but their writing is congested.

Drahvins…Rarely get out of their cars.

Draic Kin…They’re great kidders; everyone knows Draic Kin josh.

Drath…Incorrigible intergalactic grifters; you’ll never rid the Drath of con.

Drayan…Have invented a superior crayon.

Dread Lords…I could never figure out if they are or do.

Drengin…Drengin who come from the isolated, mountainous north country of their planet are known as Lukwatduhkat Drengin.

Dugs…Have sworn off digging.

Duos from Uranus…Two Duos from Uranus crash-landed in New York, with one-half of one Duo dying on impact. The survivors stayed on and, over time, came to be known as The Triplets of Belleville. This explains a lot.

Dyson Aliens…Not a real extraterrestrial race, but characters in a highly-realistic intergalactic video game of the same name; those Starship Troopers guys excelled at Dyson Aliens.

Edo…They’re all named Ed; they’re all (for my tastes) overly-familiar with one other.

Ego the Living Planet…A single entity with many manifestations; we’ve all run into him or her countless times.

Elder Thing…Worked for Gomez Adams’s grandfather.

Electrogoomba…An electric, gooey race; they’re all MBAs.

Energy Rider…Sentient text; read but don’t touch.

Exquivan…Accomplished deep space musicians who play a stringed instrument similar to our guitar. While they’re gifted musically, their infomercials are an embarrassment, and they dress like a black hole.

Evon…When they visit, love to ring your doorbell and say, “Evon calling.”

The Face of Boe/Face Dancers…Wikipedia lists them separately, but they have a way symbiotic relationship; played Vegas briefly.

Ferengi...Little green paisanos (Sing., Ferengo).

Flatcats…A highlyly developed race that, inexplicably, is incapable of looking both ways.

Fleeblebroxians…Used to be called Blebroxians, but over time became known by their battle cry … a sad tale.

Floaters…Great at filling in for other extraterrestrial races when needed.

Formics…They’re all for mics (but who isn’t?).

Fotiallian…Home of Andromeda’s heavyweight champ (“The Fotiallian Stallion“).

Frieza…Their body is 98% dry ice; watch out for Frieza burn.

F’sherl-Ganni…The apostrophe was unheard of in the rest of the cosmos until the first extraterrestrial visited earth. Since then, they can’t get enough of them, and will stick them just about anywhere (which will become evident if you peruse the rest of the Wikipedia list). Odd.

Furbls…Kind of like gerbils, but with more fur and no eyes.

*See also:

Part 1, A-C; Part 3, G-J; Part 4, K-N

Extraterrestrial Species I Have Met, With Brief Comments, Part 1 (A-C)

2009-01-06T08:32:00.000-08:00

Note 1: The material in this post is a meticulously accurate record of what I have been told by the extraterrestrials themselves, and of what I have observed (most painstakingly) of their appearance and behavior. Any errors or misrepresentations are entirely their fault.
Note 2: In assembling my list of extraterrestrial races, I have relied on Wikipedia’s “List of Extraterrestrials in Fiction.” Of course, I could have constructed a list without Wikipedia’s help, based entirely on my own recollections and records. But, I have much in common with the Aziam (see below).
Note 3: Undoubtedly Wikipedia included the “in fiction” in their title in order to maintain credibility with the uninitiated and ignorant masses of our planet.

Andorians…Always saying stuff like, “Lets see, we can invade Earth and/or Venus” and “We can kill and/or enslave all the inhabitants.” Pretty annoying.

Androsynth…Always telling you to “Walk this way,” but it’s hard to do because their physiology is so different.

Antedeans…Almost extinct; flourished in the era when colleges on their planet were leaderless.

The Anti-Monitor…Have successfully taken over all the school hallways on their planet.

Aquatoids…Main industry: underwater breath mints.

Aras…Always humming arias that seem to be lacking something.

Arceans…Almost weightless, at least on Earth. I found I could sail an Arcean quite easily.

Asari...They look like walking textiles, which has led many other races to wear Asari, though few of them know how.

Asurans…Intergalactic insurance agents.

Atavus…Favorite household pet is the Atavus finch.

Axons…Mr. Miyagi once told them to Axoff.

Azgonians…Landed in Arizona, migrated to Oregon.

Aziam...Name intended to be an anagram for “I am lazy,” but they were too lazy to include all the necessary letters.

Baalols…When they talk they sound like sheep laughing out loud.

Badoon…Avid fans of The Little Rascals, the way Buckwheat said balloon always cracked them up. So they adopted it as their name.

Ballchinnian…I think Wikipedia may have had Ballchainian in mind. A Ballchainian must (by law!) be married no later than ninety days after achieving adult legal status. Otherwise they get hooked up with a literal ball and chain.

Banik…Many of them suffer from Banik disorders.

Bith…A Bith is always a Bith under the weather.

Blastaar…A band of space pirates; they don’t like tar much.

Boolite…Scary, but not too scary.

Bothans…When I first met them I said, “Look Ma, Bothans!” They didn’t get it.

Bricker…Like brick, only more so.

Briori…When a Briori time travels into the future, there comes a point when he’s transformed into a Bosteriori.

Brunali…Think Muhammad Ali in the role of Brunhilde. Surprisingly enough, it sort of fits.

Caitians…From Caiti. (On their planet, an island in the Harribean.)

Capelons…Arch enemies of the Montagims.

Caponions…Summer or winter, indoors or out, never take their hats off.

Cavaliers…May survive a battle, but invariably get smoked afterwards.

Centrans…Operators of Warp Busses and Light-Speed Rail.

Chaethe…Narcissistic; live for the Chaethe.

Chamachies…Love the Jamoanies.

Chaos…Siegfried (not the tiger guy, the other one) is suing them.

Chatilians…A reptilian race; you regularly stumble upon them in chat rooms.

Cheela…Most annoying of all space aliens; everyone and every thing wants to see the last of Cheela.

Chi…Supreme game players. No one can beat Chi, no one can even tie Chi.

Chiss...Interstellarly renowned for their Chiss cheese.

Chmmr…If you can pronounce their name exactly as it is written, you’ll become an Internet sensation.

Cho-choi…Love trains, but have a hard time saying choo-choo.

Chozo...Told me that Cher and Bozo once secretly married and honeymooned on their planet, and that they are the result. Their story is plausible from the looks of them, and from what little I know of Cher and Bozo. But I’m still not buying it.

Chronomyst…From a planet so hazy they can’t read their watches.

Cinnrusskin…Look like Russians, smell of cinnamon.

Cizerack…All 92-longs; identical giants.

Clutch Turtles…Handle the bat quite well, for turtles.

Cocytans…Tan and cocky; mostly employed during their stays on Earth as cabana boys.

Coeurl…Desperately want to be promoted to Eurl, but time is running out.

Cole…When the Cole landed in England, they asked a passing earthling to take them to his leader; for a joke (which he endlessly repeated afterward), he took them to Newcastle.

Coola (Cooler)…A very unsexy race; it’s hard to be hot when you're a Coola.

Cryons…Creatures that are almost all shoulder.

Things I May or May Not Have Said to Myself While Riding My Bike in the City

2008-12-29T07:21:00.000-08:00

Whoa!

Hey…Cu-u-u-te.....Whoa!

Perhaps I could become a superhero on this bike. Because apparently, I'm invisible right now.

I wonder if I could have saved the money I spent on this tear-drop-shaped top-of-my-head multi-colored latticed bike helmet by making my own instead, using, say, an old mixing bowl, a leather belt, and some wadded up TV Guides. The result would be more stylish, that's for sure.

(Breathing hard)…Okay, I now…(breathing hard)…hate dogs…(breathing hard)…even more than those nasty worms…(breathing hard)…that sometimes…(breathing hard)…come out of dogs.

I wonder if the REI bike repair shop has a designated spokesperson.

They say you never forget how to ride a bike, but every once in a while I do.

Maybe I should try a little Tri-Flow on my knees.

I wonder if I could make a bullet-proof belt out of one of these Kevlar tires.

Note to self: E-mail bike manufacturer suggesting they add the following line to their pre-ride safety check instructions: Never ride your bike while drowsy from performing the recommended pre-ride safety check.

27 gears and nothing on.

The closest I’ll ever get to extreme is ex.

I understand that you’re in a Camaro and I’m on a bike, but doesn’t that just mean that it is I who should be throwing half-eaten fruit at you?

Conveyancist!

Owww!

Scary Movies for Weak Stomachs*

2008-12-23T08:40:00.000-08:00

The Texas Chainsaw Altercation

Seven Sins Not Listed as Deadly, But Still Pretty Bad

Pleasantries with the Vampire

The Really, Really Strong Longstanding Disagreement

The Kind of Dream Where You’re Unprepared for Your Final Exam or Something Like That on Elm Street

Theater of Saliva

The Blair Witch Proposal (First Draft)

The Fall of the Guest House of Usher

The Mummy Was Going to Return, But Something Came Up

The Telltale Appendix

The Attack of the Unusually Tall Woman

Wait a Moment, Then You Can Look

Predator vs. Bluto

Michael Myers’ Day Off

The Heartless (Figuratively Speaking, That Is) Horseman

Dressed to Wound

The Wolf-like Man

Harry Potter and the Order of Sashimi

Baby Mad Scientists

*Note: A similarly-themed list, "Not Very Scary Movies" (not by Listmore), appears at www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists.

Mistakes Clark Kent Has Made While Looking for Work

2008-12-15T08:59:00.000-08:00

Accurately reported his top typing speed

Wrote his S's kind of funny on a job application

When asked by an interviewer to take a seat, misjudged and ended up hovering

Used Martian Manhunter as a reference

Supersneezed into a kleenex that was still in a box behind the interviewer's desk

Mesmerized by some nose hairs jutting out of an interviewer’s left nostril, inadvertently set them on fire with his heat vision

When asked by an interviewer to name the three 20th century figures he admired the most, said, “John F. Kennedy, Mother Theresa, and Mon-El.”

Showed up for an interview a day early because he forgot that earlier in the week he had temporarily reversed the Earth’s rotation

When asked about his personal goals during an interview, let it slip that one day he’d like to be able to leap tall buildings without bounding at all

Complimented an interviewer on her diamond pendant, and then asked: “Did you make it?”

Tried to inflate his resume by claiming he came from Bigville

Ideas for New Book Topics, Along with Possible Titles (Taking a Lead from the Topics of Henry Petroski's Books*)

2008-12-09T08:30:00.000-08:00

Topic: Pushpins
Title: Taking Another Tack: The Pull of Pushpins

Topic: Swizzle Sticks
Title: Swizzle: A Generation Stuck on Sticks

Topic: Fasteners
Title: Cleopatra’s Hasp and Other Famous Fasteners

Topic: Bristles
Title: Brush with Destiny: A History of Bristles

Topic: Eyelets
Title: Aye for Eyelets: A Book About Nothing

Topic: Grommets
Title: The Hole Truth: The Origin, Evolution, and Future of Grommets

Topic: Lugnuts
Title: Lugnuts and the Lugs and Nuts Who've Loved Them

Topic: Bottle Stoppers
Title: There’s No Stopping Stoppers

Topic: Slats
Ttile: Slats Life: The Lure and Lore of Louvers

Topic: Lanyards
Title: The Spaniard and the Lanyard: Lanyards in the Cultural History of Spain

Topic: Hairpins
Title: The Hairpin’s Turn

Topic: Valve Stems
Title: Ruling the Air: The Story of Valve Stems

*Most notably: The Toothpick: Technology and Culture (2007) and The Pencil: A History of Design and Circumstance (1990)

From the Conversations of Birds on a Wire

2008-12-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

See that guy getting out of the pickup truck over there? He is a lineman for the county. You can tell by the rhinestones.

Let’s try the yard at 17th and Northern for lunch today. I hear they only throw out the crust, but everyone says they’ve got a lot of crust.

Then he says, “I meant to do that.“ HA! What a manbrain!

Human offspring play this game with balloons they fill with water, but I can’t see how that doesn’t take all the fun out of it.

You really expect me to believe that what you have there is a forty-year-old chunk of Tippi Hedren’s left earlobe?

I think his brain is still scrambled from that encounter with a glass sliding door. I hear yesterday he proposed to a pair of tennis shoes.

I always end up back in Capistrano, even though I swear every time I leave I‘ll never come back. But I always do come back, though I don’t know why. It‘s like I‘m caught up in forces beyond my control. Maybe I’m trapped in some kind of cycle, like Bill Murray’s character in that movie we watched through the old woman’s open window down in Goya. Maybe there’s some lesson I have to learn before I can break free of Capistrano. But … bird! … I can’t for the life of me think of what it might be.

I don’t condone violence of any sort, mind you, but that mockingbird had it coming.

I just flew in from Chicago yesterday; I got pluck-searched going through security.

Curse you, early bird!

Feebly Humorous Christmas Songs That Haven't Been Written Yet

2008-11-21T23:07:00.000-08:00

I Won’t Be Working for You This Christmas, Mr. Walmart, So Hang My Stocking

Grandma Got Run Over by Mannheim Steamroller

Have Yourself a Very Merry The Holiday Formerly Known as Christmas

The Twelve Days of Christmas Remix, or, The Twelve Days of Christmas Not Necessarily in Order

I Want a Hypothalamus for Christmas

The “You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out” Polka

The Short Sweet Life of Frosty the Snowcone

They All Said Oh! When I Walked into the Tannenbaum at Bausch and Lomb

I’ll Be Home for Christmas (You Can Rag on Me)

Health Nuts Boasting … C’mon an’ Open Fire

Santa Made My Chimney Weep

Baby It's Cold Outside, But We're Fur-bearing Animals So Who Cares (written and sung by Sandy M. Cheeks and Alvin the Chipmunk)

The Maid Who Wouldn’t A-Milk

The Elf Fell in the Pretzel Dough, And Now the Elf is Pretzelly

The Seaman’s Christmas (Dock Holiday)

I’m Feeling Rather Jingleless This Chrstmas

Why I'm Not Afraid of Jack Bauer

2008-11-17T21:32:00.000-08:00

I’m operating on eight hours of sleep; Jack Bauer’s operating on eight hours of operating.

With all he’s been through, and despite appearances, he’s got to have the body of about a 200-year-old man. Jack Bauer is ready to crumble, literally.

Jack Bauer has experienced an endless string of victories. I have experienced an endless string of defeats. I figure the law of averages is on my side. Way on my side.

Jack Bauer is probably overconfident from reading all those fawning lists people are writing about him.

I have a useful contact at the Chinese embassy. A lunch counter server there (the beggar's chicken and sometime naked oats noodle lady), whom I met on OkCupid, says that in an emergency she can smuggle me into the embassy in an empty pig livers container. (She says the embassy is much more prepared for a Jack Bauer onslaught now that they’ve hired Johnnie To as director of security.)

I’ve begun to suspect I have some latent superpowers. For example, I've noticed I can see what’s going on on both sides of the locked door Jack Bauer is about to break down.

The theme music from 24 does the same thing to me that "Pop Goes the Weasel" always did to Curly of the Three Stooges.

Believe it or not, Nina is not dead. I know because I ran into her at a Dave and Buster’s last night. I think she likes me.

I have a bargaining chip. In the file they keep on me at CTU (these days, everyone has one), I’m officially classified as “no potatoes” (one level, as you might suspect, below “small potatoes”). However, I know someone who plays basketball with a guy whose brother thinks the husband of someone he works with may be “potatoes” (not a “big potatoes” or "Mr. Potatoes" type security threat, surely, but a seriously dangerous individual nonetheless). I would have no scruples about ratting out that potatoes guy to save my own no-potatoes skin.

Jack Bauer is sort of predictable. Sometimes it almost seems like he’s following a script.

I, on the other hand, am completely predictable. This would mess with Jack Bauer’s mind.

Jack Bauer is, like, about fourteen inches tall! I mean, c’mon!

Things Your Barber May Be Doing While You Have That Hot Towel Covering Your Face

2008-11-10T11:34:00.000-08:00

Dancing the Barber Hop

Playing with his clipper ship

Funning with scissors

Flipping a coin to determine your fate

Wondering how that picture of Oopsy Bear got on your towel

Trying to think of a word that rhymes with Brylcreem

Reading a pamphlet on how to get a barber’s license

Splitting hairs

Laughing in your mirror

Hailing Julius Scissor

Being a little less snippy

Tips for New Bloggers ......... Never Mind

2008-11-05T07:23:00.002-08:00

Think about what you’ve gotten yourself into. Remember, blog rhymes with clog and flog and slog. And sort of rhymes with fog and hog and sog(gy). And bog, which you get if you take the l out of blog. You with me, dog? (Oh, and blog is an anagram for glob.)

Keep in mind the oft-quoted (here very loosely paraphrased) words of Dr. Johnson: “No one but a bloghead ever wrote except for money.”

Don’t recklessly add to the Izone layer. Studies show that Izone saturation, caused by the release of first person singular pronouns into the blogosphere, is potentially as harmful to the blogosphere as ozone depletion is to the atmosphere.*

Most readers will assume you passed your S.C.A.T. (Scatology and Crudity Aptitude Test) with flying colors long ago. Don’t feel that you have anything to prove on that score.

Don’t be overwhelmed by the love your fellow bloggers show for you. After all, you saved them from watching Dual Action Cleanse with Klee Irwin.

If you are contemplating adding an avatar to your blog profile, consider this: with the proliferation of avatars on the Internet, the average value of a picture worldwide has dropped to 731 words.**

If you can’t describe your blog in 10 or fewer words, chances are what you have on your hands is not a blog at all, but a new species of jellyfish.

If you mention your husband/wife/children/cat more than once in a blog meant for the general public, you will probably embarrass them. Especially your cat.

E. M. Forster said: “How do I know what I think until I see what I say?” While this may also be true of you, keep in mind that this doesn’t make you E. M. Forster.

If you suspect that your posts or portions of them may not be entirely original, you are in all likelihood correct. Probably everything worth saying on the Internet has already been said on the Internet at least once (albeit some of those things were the result of typos).

If you’re going to scavenge the Internet for material to dump in your blog, wear work gloves when you type.

Never apologize for a failure to post … unless your name is J. D. Salinger.

Don’t assume that something you find upsetting will/should upset other people merely because it upsets you. Or that the fact that it upsets you will automatically be of interest to other people. That kind of thing is really upset …

……… Never mind.

*Journal of My Reproducible Thoughts, pp. i-iiii, 1/11/11 (Note: Is that signify a literary persona generally appear to be harmless to the blogosphere.)
**Logoeconomics Newsletter, page fifteen, September, two thousand and seven

Some Serious Political Questions

2008-10-30T09:55:00.000-07:00

If a head of state killed himself because he thought he was doing a bad job, would he be a suicide or an assassin?

If there are more than three documented instances of a president bumping his head while in office (Gerald Ford?), can we from that moment on call him a lame duck president?

Instead of playing King of the Hill as a child, should I have been playing Speaker of the House?

According to Alexander Frater (Tales from the Torrid Zone), the reins of government of the island nation the Comoros were handed over to a council of teenagers shortly after it gained its independence--with dire results. Question: Not to say anything about the suitability or unsuitability for the Comoros of such a bold political move, but wouldn‘t chances for its success have been much higher if the job had been given to fourth-graders?

If a candidate said he saw no real problem with a politician flip-flopping, then shortly thereafter changed his mind and condemned flip-flopping, would he be flip-flopping?

Why do so many candidates in primaries seem secondary?

Shouldn’t we have a longer word to designate a filibuster than filibuster? Perhaps the dictionary definitions of filibuster (here, Webster’s New World Dictionary, 3rd College ed.) spelled backwards as the easiest (well, sort of)choice?:

etanesehtnillibafoegassapehttcurtsbootredronicteseussitnavelerrifonoitcudortnisehceepsgnolfognikamehteretsubilifoslasdohtemhcussesuohwetanesehtforebmemaretsubilifaniegagneotretsubilifaybllibafoegassapehttcurtsboot.

Would making this change cut down on filibusters? Filibuster filibusters, so to speak?

Is it true that most presidential candidates choose to appear on late night comedy shows because they want to prove they’re not as funny as some people think?

G(uber)natorial?

Barack Obama is a Chicago White Sox fan and John McCain is an Arizona Diamondbacks fan. Wouldn't it just seem fitting if White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf and Diamondbacks CEO Jeff Moorad should make a public bet on the outcome of the election? (A 10-foot replica of the Statue of Liberty made out of batting practice baseballs, say, over against a pre-game performance of the national anthem by the bassist from the Naked Brothers Band?)

Who was that masked man?

Punnyography

2008-10-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

Note: Any similarities between these books and books in the real world are beyond coincidental.

Synopsis: A historical fantasy about a brilliant novelist who, disillusioned by the lack of public recognition of his talents, retires from the writing life to run a poultry farm in the French countryside. Two years later, a former literary rival, still bearing an old grudge, absconds one dark night with several of the author’s prize-winning chickens. After several days of captivity in the back of a beat-up Volkswagen minibus, the chickens effect a daring escape, and begin an arduous, danger-filled 900-mile trek back to the only home they have ever known, and the master they adore.

Title: The Chickens Come Home to Proust

Synopsis: Intergalactic man-eating aliens the Kanamits return to earth after a 40-year absence and eat all the inhabitants of Chicago except, owing to their respect for the arts, Chicago’s brightest literary light. Alas, the Kanamits well-documented love for bad puns eventually overcomes their literary taste---a tragic turn of events that leads to the famous author’s demise.

Title: There’s Always Room for Bellow

Synopsis: A family of modern-day trapeze artists, who have gained notoriety by reciting from The Canterbury Tales while performing high-flying acts of daring, suffers a series of unfortunate performance-related accidents.

Title: Earth vs. The Flying Chaucers

Synopsis: A biography of sixteenth-century French philosopher and essayist Francis Bacon, with a decidedly anti-Bacon slant.

Title: The Bad Side of Bacon

Synopsis: A cold-war tale about an Iowa farm boy who hides his love of Russian literature from his xenophobic father by pasting false covers on all his books.

Title: The Chekhov is in the Mailer

Synopsis: Focuses on a little-known period in Mark Twain’s life during which he made his living as a maitre’d in St. Louis’ trendiest bistro. Fired for regularly getting patrons to do his work for him by convincing them it was “fun,” a fistfight ensues in the kitchen between Twain and the owner of the eatery, during which the owner falls into a rack of skewers, suffering a number of fatal wounds. Twain is banned from the hospitality industry for life. A period of depression ensues.

Title: Never the Twain Shall Seat

Synopsis: An autobiography by J. R. R. Tolkien.

Title: I’m Tolkien to You

Synopsis: A highly unflattering biographical portrait of Truman Capote.

Title: Capote Ugly

Synopsis: Amusing story of a man who, over 10 years time (1895-1905), tried to pass himself off as Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw, with absolutely no success.

Title: George Bernard? Pshaw!

From the Auditions of a Goose Who Never Made It as an Actor

2008-10-13T15:31:00.000-07:00

For the role of …

James Bond: Honk … HONK Honk

Mr. Miyagi: Honk HONK, HONK Honk

Mary Poppins: HONK Honk Honk Honk HONK Honk Honk Honk HONK Honk HONK Honk H-O-N-K Honk

The Lone Ranger: Honk Honk HONK-Honk, Honk HONNNNK!

Kato, Inspector Clouseau's houseboy: HOOONNNNNNNNNNK!!!

Taxi #1 in Taxi Driver: Honk Honk

The Terminator: Honk HONK-Honk

Goose #3 (Fly Away Home): HONK…HONK…HONK…HONK…HONK…HONK...HONK…HONK…HONK…Honk…Ho...

Replacement for Roger Ebert on At the Movies:

A bystander spotting Superman: Honk-Honk HONK, Honk-Honk HONK, Honk HONK Honk-Honk!

A member of the Wehrmacht (no dialogue):
Goose-step, goose-step, goose-step, goose-step, goose-step, etc.

An extra in a crowd at a basketball game singing along with Gary Glitter‘s “Rock & Roll - Part II (The Hey Song)”:
...............HONK!..........
...............HONK!..........
...............HONK!..........

Jimmy Dugan (manager of the Rockford Peaches of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League): HONK HONK HONK-Honk!? HONK Honk Honk-HONK! HONK Honk Honk-Honk-Honk-Honk HONK!

Track List for an Album Titled The Moody Guitar

2008-10-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

While My Guitar Whines Endlessly On and On (Wah Wah Wah)

While My Guitar Throws a Twangy Fit

While My Guitar Gazes Uncomprehendingly into the Mirror and Picks at Itself

While My Guitar Sits Alone in a Corner Looking Fretful

While My Guitar Refuses to Come Out of Its Case, or Even Open the Lid

While My Guitar Cries into Its Beer Down at The Whammy Bar

While My Guitar Tries to Strangle Itself With a Popped G String

While My Guitar Goes All Staccato on a Roomful of Other Guitars Down at the Music Emporium

While My Guitar Shuts Itself Up in Its Room and Hammers Away Feverishly on the Final Chapters of a Novel Called The Strummer of My Discontent

I Answer Some Questions Posed by Popular Song Titles

2008-10-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

Q: What’s new pussycat?

A: Well, for one thing, that’s the first time anyone’s ever called me pussycat.

Q: Do you know the way to San Jose?

A: Of course. First, you shave Jose’s head. Then, you grab a good-sized piece of emery paper and, beginning at the top of the front of Jose’s skull you . . . What’s that? . . . Oh, San Jose . . . Sorry.

Q: How can you mend a broken heart?

A: I don’t know, but I do know some people who have had their hearts broken, like, 27 times. So it’s a fairly simple procedure, I would guess.

Q: Who let the dogs out?

A: I don’t know, but I hope those dogs are big, and mean, and know where you live.

Q: Who are you?

A: Nobody special, really, but . . . you see that guy over there? He is The Eggman. And the scuttlebutt around the office is, he’s on a fast track to becoming The Walrus.

Q: Are you lonesome tonight?

A: Well . . . I am thinking up stupid answers to song questions.

Q: Why do fools fall in love?

A: Because if they didn’t we’d eventually run out of fools.

Q: Who can it be now?

A: Well, theoretically, it can be just about anybody. But it’s probably just Mr. Wilson here to complain about some of Dennis’s shenanigans again.

Q: When will I be loved?

A: Maybe when you stop whining.

Q: What kind of fool am I?

A: I know of only two kinds of fools: the kind that wears a floppy, multi-colored hat with bells and keeps a king amused, or the kind that is just a silly or stupid person. Since I don’t hear you jingling and there aren‘t many kings around here, I’m guessing you’re the second kind.

Q: Where have all the flowers gone?

A: Yeah, definitely the second kind.

Q: Do you wanna dance?

A: Well, I guess that would be all right. Just don’t call me pussycat. OK?

Q: Who do you think you are?

A: Nobody special, really, but . . . see those guys over there? They are the champions, my friend.

Q: Is you is or is you ain’t my baby?

A: You know, I really do don’t like you.

Q: Ain’t that just like a woman?

A: Actually, that is a woman.

Q: Who put the bomp (in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp)?

A: Probably some guy who had just taken a nasty tumble down some stairs.

Q: Mr. Bigstuff, who do u think u are?

A: Mr. Bigstuff.

Events That Could Signal the End of the Internet

2008-09-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

The unrestrained proliferation of blogs brings about a worldwide shortage of dots.

It finally dawns on the Internet that it’s only as strong as its weakest link.

Al Gore’s evil plan comes to fruition.

We run out of celebrities. Or non-celebrities.

Apple comes out with a powerful new line of desktops called MerriMacs. Which spells trouble, as it turns out, when they are hooked up with monitors.

Attachments become increasingly, sometimes psychotically, possessive.

A supercomputer creates a patch that can “fix” humans.

Y2.1K.

Weary of all the attention, computer icons withdraw from public life and hole up in Cornish, New Hampshire.

Hardware install wizards and desktop cleanup wizards get into a spell-casting war.

Derogatory Names for Robots

2008-09-22T17:11:00.000-07:00

Beta Data

Robot Ick

Ben Affect

Mechanical Pencil Neck

George "Scrap Iron" Johnson

The Constant Racket

Schmo Bot

R2-Stupid

Ed McMahon

Bugtopia

The Iron Fraidy

Tin Tin Tin (but not derogatory when used for robot dogs)

Toast in the Machine

Orville Overhaul

Col. Klank

CCreepio

Innovations to Major League Baseball We Might See If a Prop Comic Ever Becomes Commissioner

2008-09-15T14:09:00.000-07:00

Rally chaps

Radar swords

On deck parallelograms

Stunt doubles

Stunt triples

Fowl lines

Stand up bass stealing

Team ascots

Batting helmets actually allowed to bat (expect upsurge in walks)

Canoe-shaped dugouts (dugout canoes!)

Home addition plate

Exploding ivy

My Jack Bauer List

2008-09-08T13:31:00.000-07:00

The boogeychildren are afraid Jack Bauer’s in the closet.

Santa always gives Jack Bauer what he wants, and nice ain’t got nothin’ to do with it.

Jack Bauer could beat you to a bloody pulp with one of his arms tied behind Edgar’s back.

Jack Bauer could beat you to a bloody pulp with one of his arms tied to a rusty Buick at the bottom of Long Beach Harbor.

You think the following events take place between 2 PM and 3 PM, but maybe that’s just what Jack Bauer wants you to think.

Jack Bauer has a dark alley named after him.

A suspected terrorist was picked up in Los Angeles after being seen wandering the streets dazed and pantsless. When questioned, he claimed he started thinking about Jack Bauer and it scared the pants off him.

It never hurts Jack Bauer more than it hurts you.

Jack Bauer once wrestled pi to the ground.

If Jack Bauer were stranded alone for 1500 days on a desert island, he‘d find 1500 different ways to make Wilson confess.

When Jack Bauer hits the road, the road says "uncle."

Difficulties That Arose After My Time Machine Broke Down While I Was Visiting an Earlier Version of Myself, Forcing Me to Move in with Myself

2008-08-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

I grew weary of hearing myself go on and on about how much more difficult things were when I was my age.

Whenever I drove on the expressway with myself as a passenger, I would use the carpool lane. I still feel sort of guilty about it.

After a dispute over rental payments, I found some money missing from my dresser drawer. I reported the incident to police, explaining the situation and saying I was considering filing charges against myself. The police said that they couldn’t find anything in the criminal code covering autolarceny. (Besides, they said, the statute of limitations had probably expired as soon as, or maybe even before, the alleged crime was committed.)

Whenever I rented a movie, I couldn’t resist revealing the ending to myself.

I had a hard time being civil to certain of my “friends.” (I wanted to warn myself about them, but I knew if I did I’d just end up coming to blows with myself.)

While most of the time I could sit in my favorite chair, most of the time I could not sit in my favorite chair.

Sometimes I sounded to myself like that Jimmy guy from Seinfeld ("Jimmy's under the boards. Jimmy's in the open. Jimmy makes the shot."). I gave myself the creeps.

I suffered bouts of déjà vu reflux.

I hit my head on a counter when I fell over laughing upon informing myself of my scheme to get rich selling drinking water in plastic bottles. (I’m OK, thanks.).

Some Things That Make Me Suspect I May Be Out of Step

2008-08-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

I don’t know the back of my hand all that well.

I’m rarely one of the two kinds of people in the world.

I would join a club that would have me as a member, but only if I knew it had a side entrance I could slip out of when I saw me coming.

I'm not sure how we all got into this goose/gander stuff. I mean, I seriously doubt that the goose cares whether what's good for it is good for the gander. Not caring may even be good for the goose.

My mother always told me I shouldn't jump off a bridge just because everyone told me to do it. She also said, on more than one occasion, that 50 million Frenchmen can't be wrong. So this keeps me, but apparently not my mother, up at night: What if 50 million Frenchmen told me to jump off a bridge?

My friends all know I don't like coffee, but they're constantly telling me to wake up and smell it. So I wonder: what gives?

I think the exchange rate between birds-in-the-hand and birds-in-the-bush is really messed up.

If someone gives me an inch, I try to take three or four inches max.

No matter how hard I try, I can't turn no news into good news. I mean, I could never say to someone: "I have no news, and I have bad news."

Once while the cat was away, I spent the whole time doing yard work and reading Kierkegaard.

If I had a hammer, I’d probably hammer in the afternoon.