Talking to Food: Don'ts and Don'ts

Never ask a half-baked potato for advice.

Never tell scrambled eggs to pull themselves together.

Never bother trying to interrogate a hard-boiled egg.

Never encourage a hot dog. Same goes for a ham.

Never say ''I'm toast" in the presence of toast.

Never taunt orange roughy.

Never say anything to skimmed milk, or associate with it in any way.

Never hit up a cupcake for money. You'll feel guilty afterward.

Never (ever!) agree to let bacon take you home.

Never get into an argument with rhubarb pie.

Never give Spam your e-mail address.

Never ask a tossed salad if it's OK. It is.

Never ask a cured fish about its past unless you're close friends.

Never be sardonic with sardines. (It’s OK to be sardinic.)

Never ask an English muffin if it likes soccer. ("It's called football, you berk!")

Never ask corn if it knows a good joke.

Never ask salt why no one's ever heard of Sgt. Salt's Lonely Hearts Club Band. You'd be rubbing pepper into its wounds.