Q and A with Myself

I: First of all, let me thank you for taking time out of your cluttered schedule to sit down with me for this brief Q and A.

Myself: Well, normally I would pretend I’m too busy for this kind of thing, but I decided to make an exception in your case since you are, after all…uh…me.

I: Of course. I thought that might influence your decision.

M: And you were right, as usual.

I: But I must say I’m confused by your decision to include this Q and A, as you indicated to me you would, in Listing Towards Peoria. I thought you only did lists there.

M: Well, I presume you have prepared a list of questions to ask me.

I: Prepared might not be the right word, but, yes, I do have a list of questions.

M: That’s good enough for me.

I: And who am I to quibble?

M: Exactly.

I: Speaking of my list of questions, though, I feel I should warn you that on the surface my questions may all seem arbitrary and pointless.

M: What about below the surface?

I: Hmmm. I’m afraid I must confess that you have taken me aback, sir.

M: HA! Just kidding!

I: Good. First question. If you were a tree, what kind of tree do you think you would be?

M: That’s easy. You know that tree that falls in the forest and no one’s around to hear it, so they don’t know if it makes a sound? I’m that tree.

I : So, do you make a sound when you fall?

M: How should I know? I’m a tree!

I. Of course. Next question. What famous dead person do you think would most like to meet you?

M: Probably Dracula or Will Rogers, one of the two.

I: Well, I’m not sure Dracula’s dead at the moment, but we can check on that later.

M: Maybe you can. I’ll probably pretend I’m too busy.

I: Of course. Next question: Barry Bonds—guilty or innocent?

M: Me, I’m still wondering how Gary U.S. Bonds got away with impersonating a treasury security.

I: Well, I guess it just proves that sometimes the law is an ass. Anyway, next question. What is your stance on global warming?

M: I always remind myself not to crowd the plate. I wouldn’t want global warming to bust one inside on me.

I: Good thinking. Next question. Do you believe there’s life on other planets?

M: Well, once I was frying up some eggs when I looked down into the frying pan and saw an unidentified frying object that looked like one of those Ceti Eel’s from the Wrath of … Hey, wait a minute! You’ve got a wattle! I don’t have a wattle! Maybe you’re not me aft…

I: Hold on, I can fix that……….Better?

M: Much, thanks.

I: And you have forgotten all about that last question, right?

M: You mean the one about global warming?

I: Yes…errr…I mean…no...I mean…Hey, I’m supposed to be the one asking the questions…so let’s just move on. OK?

M: OK.

I: What would you do with your winnings if you won the lottery?

M: Start a lottery.

I: Snare the wealth and share the wealth, eh?

M: Something like that....But then again, nothing like that at all.

I: I catch you drift. Next question. If you were a raindrop, where would you like to fall?

M: Probably in a can of oil, or something else I'd be immiscible with. Otherwise—bye-bye raindrop!

I: Always thinking! Next question. How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

M: Seriously?

I: No.

M: Because I do have an answer for that question.

I: I ‘m not surprised, but…No. Next question. What is the most unusual job you’ve ever had?

M: Let’s see…I guess I’d have to say it was the time I spent as an Elvis has left the building impersonator.

I: Hmmm. How did that work?

M: Well, when a crowd of people hears that Elvis has left the building, and they look around the room just to make sure, an Elvis has left the building impersonator impersonates the Elvis that's not there.

I: You know, I have to say that that just doesn’t make any sense at all.

M: I know! But hey, it paid the bills!

I: Really?!

M: Yes. Well…that and my side job anyway. Which I still have.

I: And what would that be?

M: I carve soap figures of famous people and sell them at fairs and flea markets. You should see my soap Oprah.

I: Maybe some other time.

M: And my Soapia Loren and Soapie Tucker.

I: I think we’re done.

M: And my Arthur Soapenhauer.

I: Now I know we’re done.

M: Say—did I ever tell you I’ve been looking into becoming a wild cabbage tamer?

I: Really?…Hmmm…Now that sounds interesting. Tell me more.